A man was passing by a huge elephant and was amazed to see that the giant magnificent creature was being held by only a small rope. No chains. No cage. It was obvious that elephant could break free at any given time, but they didn’t. Curious, he asked the trainer for the possible reason. The trainer replied, “When they were young we used the same rope to tie them. Back then, this rope was strong enough to hold them. But as they grew their mind were conditioned to believe that they can not escape. They believe that the rope can still hold them so they never try to break free.”
This conditioning of mind is called ‘learned helplessness‘. A state where people believe they are unable to change their circumstances even if the possibility of change is available.
How do we learn to be helpless
Learned helplessness is a result of experiencing stressful events frequently and repeatedly. In state of such events people feel that they have no control over the situation hence they give up trying to take any action. For example, if a child is not able to score well in exams even after studying hard; he may start to think that anything that he does will not improve his score. Thus he begin to feel helpless and is not motivated to study anymore.
Likewise, an adult who is not able to perform well in his job even after giving his best try; soon gets disheartened and start to feel that he has no control over his performance and nothing he does will make any difference.
Additionally learned helplessness is also caused by traumatic events of the past, where the individual has felt helpless, for example in case of abuse or violence.
Over parenting and learned helplessness
One way parent teach helplessness to kids is by doing the tasks for them that children should be doing themselves. By doing this they rob their kids of skills which children need to learn to take care of themselves. This form of parenting is a example of over nurturing. It’s when you over function for your child by doing all chores yourself, allowing too many privileges and insulating them from stress, frustration and anxiety. Such a child lack essential skills required to function as an adult. They do not get a chance to develop problem solving skills and that’s why when the situation calls for it, they feel stuck. Helpless.
Learned helplessness in relationships
In relationships, learned helplessness surfaces when a partner has faced setbacks repeatedly. Over time they start to believe that they have no control over the situation and hence give up trying to improve their relationships. This often occurs when one partner feels that they have invested a lot in the union and the other is unable to address their needs. And the partner who feels helpless lacks motivation to contribute in the relationship or bring any positive change. Such an individual give up on solving relationship problems because they believe there is no point in trying. They learn to stay in the state of helplessness.
Learned helplessness and Victim Mindset
People who believe that they have no control over situations tend to consider themselves as victims. Just like learned helplessness, victim mindset is also an acquired trait. It makes people believe that they are powerless. For example, in case of elderly people this helpless mindset comes with certain beliefs about ageing. There mind is conditioned to link old age with the state of weakness and powerlessness. Hence they are in constant need of sympathy and attention, which results them being dependant on others even for trivial tasks. Their lack of motivation become their inability to take action.
Overcoming learned helplessness
Reflect on your beliefs
Look for the source for your helpless mindset. Is it because of a traumatic experience in the past? Or because of certain beliefs you have. Observe the language in which you speak to yourself. Observe the influence of your negative beliefs that have impacted your daily life. You need to first identify these pessimistic behavioral patterns in order to change them.
Next step in to challenge your negative self talks. You need to test your beliefs. For example, every time when your mind says there is no point in trying; ask yourself, have you actually tried enough? Was there anything else you could have done to improve your performance or change your circumstances?
Focus on what you can control
Helplessness surfaces from a mindset that you can’t control a situation or its outcome. So to overcome learned helplessness you need to Shift your focus from what you can’t control to what you CAN. And invest your time and energy on areas which you can work upon to bring a change.
For example, people can’t control ageing but they can control their attitude towards ageing. So instead of feeling weak one can indulge in self-care activities. Like exercising or volunteering in community help services. Staying active has numerous health benefits as we already know. And being a part of a helping community gives a purpose to life. So one can switch this mindset from feeling helpless to being helpful and from feeling unworthy to a sense of self-worth.
Change your explanatory style
People with helpless mindset have a pessimistic explanatory style. And they are 3 P’s of learned helplessness.
Personalization
An explanatory style where you take everything personally without considering any other possibility. For example, you are having a conversation with a colleague and he or she seems to be distracted. And your immediate conclusion is that the other person doesn’t like to converse with you. While the actual reason for their distraction could be something else. For instance, may be they are upset about an issue which has nothing to do with you. Or may be thinking about their next deadline. Possibilities are endless.
Pervasiveness
It’s a tendency to generalise one situation to other areas of life. Like in the case of above example rather than keeping this experience confined to this one particular situation. You start to relate this with other colleagues as well. Linking everything to the fact that they don’t like you. Instances like someone not answering your call or not asking you out for lunch. Every action is generalize to reinforce your belief that they don’t like your company.
Permanence
A negative belief that considers a particular situation as permanent and thus can’t be changed. Taking the same example again, where you have a belief that this always happens to you. And thus you can never have a cordial relationships in the workplace because you lack people engagement skills.
To overcome learned helplessness, replace these thinking patterns with optimistic way of thinking. So rather than taking everything personally, one should consider other external factors as well. Second don’t generalise everything. Keep your unpleasant experience confined to that specific situation only. Don’t let it spill to other areas of your life. And third, one event does not decide the entire course of your life. Don’t convert these temporary experiences into permanent beliefs.
We all struggle from time to time. We all have setbacks. Yes, there are times when things go out of your hands, but remember nothing is ever permanent. Just like good times, bad times too have a shelf life. And the more you learn to take control, the more is the possibility of bringing a change.
"Sometimes the thing that is holding you back is all in your head" - Joe Borders