"If it is possible to stand at the perspective of others to think for them, that is compassion." - Buddha
If we go by current internet trend while describing a person, toxic probably is the only word which has endless synonyms. Anything from arrogance to selfishness, greed to aggression, dominance to disrespect can be fit into a single word ‘toxic’.
But if we think logically; can selfishness, that too of another person actually kill us? Because that’s what toxic literally mean. That’s what poisonous or venomous things do. So isn’t this labeling outrageous? And we have normalised this term to such an extent that any person who doesn’t technically behave or talk like a monk can be listed under toxic group.
So called characteristics of a “Toxic” Person
If not all, but following traits are the most common ones that have got their place in the list of toxicity. Let’s have a brief look at them:
Attention Seekers
So basically a person who craves for attention, who wants all eyes and ears at them are kinda poisonous. Really? Can we honestly name a single person who doesn’t desire all the limelight? Who doesn’t want their name on the wall? Who doesn’t want everyone revolving around them? We all do. So what makes a few among us toxic is that they are pretty loud in their actions and gestures when it comes to seek attention. They say and do things which makes it rather obvious that it’s all for attention. While the rest of us just wait for a moment when such action wouldn’t sound inappropriate and cringey. Isn’t it?
Control Freaks
This trait describes a person who is obsessed with getting things done in a specific way. Somewhat like a perfectionist. But don’t we say perfectionism is a positive trait? Well it isn’t actually. And it usually comes from a fear of unpredictability. This trait in particular could be coping mechanism or response to a traumatic experience in past. And trust me control freaks are much more stresses themselves than they might be causing to anyone else. Yes, it is bothersome and highly irritating; but toxic?
Manipulative
Put a hand on your heart and say you have never tried to manipulate anyone ever? Since our childhood we have been trying it on our parents with tears in our eyes. Haven’t we? Have you never said a sugar coated pleeeeeaaaaaase while asking for a favour from someone? Making a request or demand is one thing but what would you call it when we bring in emotions to those demands? Like in above examples. Isn’t that manipulation? And when people manipulate us repeatedly for their sole benefit, is it because we are just too kind and giving? Let’s say in workplace if someone is trying to manipulate us, aren’t we also looking at some hidden benefit in this transaction? But if at the end we get outsmarted and don’t get to taste the fruit we just comfort ourselves by saying ‘Ah! what a toxic person.’ Does it sound familiar?
Gloomy
Other names are ‘cry-baby’, ‘energy-suckers’, ‘dementor’ etc. So the ones who always complain about something or other and are mostly sad. They tend to look at half empty side of the glass always. They usually expects bad news and are suspicious whenever something good happens. And this behaviour greatly impacts their social lives. For people around them believe such a person would drain all their energy and leave them lifeless. Yes, no one likes to hear complaints all the time, and we all want to have fun filled conversations. But using a term like ‘energy vampires’ is little too harsh. For one, this ‘energy is only transferable and can not be created’ is a scientific phenomenon. Let’s not try to replicate this as is while handling emotions. And second, shouldn’t my state of mind only be controlled by me? I can choose to ignore or cut short such conversation or have a neutral response; but labeling someone toxic for being pessimistic is unfair.
Jealous
Jealousy, a notion that someone else is better than me or posses something more valuable. A tendency of comparing yourself with others primarily based on capabilities and mostly possessions. An innate human quality and a universal trait. So basically we all are toxic, less toxic, more toxic, but undoubtedly toxic.
And the list goes on.
But aren’t we talking about all the traits that almost every human being has? We all are mix of good and bad. Prime goal is to move towards becoming better everyday and inculcate more and more empathetic traits in ourselves. But are we really becoming better by judging others this harshly? Does it really help? Or are we just trying to flatter our own ego by categorising certain people, so we feel better about ourselves? You know like the famous saying where you make your line bigger by shortening others.
Everyone has an untold story
Stories of struggles, pain, trauma, neglect, bullying, abuse, misfortune, and whatnot! Few people talk about it, few don’t and there are a few who just pretend everything is fine on the outside while they are hurting on the inside. Yes you are not there to solve their problems, you have plenty of yours to handle. There is even no need to empathize with or understand a narcissist or a complainer. But you need not to scorn them either. What you see from outside might just be a tip of the iceberg. You might be totally clueless about the actual reality.
Let’s take control of ourselves
And become more self aware. Let’s take ownership of our own emotions. And validate our own thoughts. Let’s handle our stressors. And acknowledge our reactions. The more we take responsibility of ourselves the less we are likely to shift blame to others.
Change starts from within. Let’s examine ourselves before examining others. It might be tempting to hold others responsible for our distress but it’s effective to be accountable ourselves.
"Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions." - Pema Chodron