"There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in" – Leonard Cohen

And that is where the beauty lies. It lies in rawness, simplicity, nature and imperfections. While perfection is mechanical, flaws are natural. If perfection is standard, imperfections are unique.

While perfectionism is often seen as a positive trait, but it is in actual, a coping mechanism. Which is often governed by a need to control, thirst for applaud and the urge for approval.

Being a perfectionist is extremely challenging and highly stressful. While it might be seen as a trait that enhances your quality of work, but on the contrary perfectionism shall make you achieve less and stress more. You will take up too much time to finish a job, because you would want to do it perfectly. Not to mention it will bother you constantly with a fear of failure. In a few cases it can even affect your quality of life as well as relationships because perfectionists like to control everything, owing to the fact that uncertainty stresses them out.

How is it like being a Perfectionist

All-or-Nothing attitude – If you are a perfectionist, you would see anything less than perfect as a failure. Instead of striving to do a great job, you would strive to do a perfect one. That means you would either do something perfectly or won’t do it at all.

Focussing only on Results – While completely ignoring the process of learning. Perfectionist are so focussed on results that they fail to see their efforts, their learning curve and any improvements they have made through their journey. For them it’s only the result that matters.

Being too Self Critical – They are too hard on themselves even for small mistakes. They keep very high performance norms for themselves. And when they fail to meet those, it gets difficult for them to get over it.

Living in constant Fear of Failure – Since perfectionist have high expectations from themselves, they are often consumed by self-doubt and a fear of not been able to make up to those unrealistic standards. That’s why they are always anxious about slipping and not getting the desired results.

Procrastinating – This compulsive need of doing a job perfectly and nagging fear of making mistakes ultimately results in not doing it at all. Such a person would keep waiting for just the right time to start something.

Need to Control – They have a very specific way of things and get easily irritated when things don’t go as planned. It’s hard for them to work in a team or get along with people. This need to control comes from the fear of unpredictability. Thus, many a times they refrain from trying something new.

Underlying cause of Perfectionism

Perfectionism is a combination of both internal and environmental pressure. We learn it through experience, interactions and observations. It can be a result of multiple factors; but a few prominent ones are:

Parenting Style

Demanding Parents

Demanding parents set high standard for kids as a marker of success. As a result children gets hard on themselves to become ‘good enough’ for their parents. Such individuals become harsh critics who demand perfection from themselves just like their parents have once demanded from them.

Distracted Parents

Distracted parents are the ones who are either busy, overwhelmed or fatigued to be physically or emotionally available for their kids. Children thus strive to to do their best to get noticed by parents. Constant unavailability of parents sends a message that the child isn’t smart enough or talented enough to catch their attention. Which turns the child into a perfectionists to get noticed by them.

Learned Behaviour

Perfectionism is also learnt as a part of growing up. In a society where self-worth is determined by achievements, perfection eventually becomes a way to gain acceptance, praise and even love. In majority of cases, culture and surrounding enforces perfectionism. Where a person is valued by excellent grades or stunning looks or a rock solid career and anything less is nothing but a failure. Here, toiling for perfection is considered as a positive personality trait.

Trauma

Individual having been through traumatic experiences have a strong need for control. They are often highly stressed by situations that are outside of their control and perfectionism provides them this sense of control. In case of abuse, perfectionism may develop as a coping mechanism. They adopt such behaviour to escape feelings of despair, bitterness, and worthlessness.

Social Media

Today, our smartphones are overloaded with display of perfection. Selfies are taken from the perfect angle, vacation pictures are touched up perfectly, food plates are added with perfect filters. Every achievement, every adventure is there on display. Everyone is living a perfect life on social media. Numbers of likes and follows are the new measure of self-value. It’s challenging to differentiate these perfect posts from realities. This biased expression triggers a fear of missing out, which is a major contributor towards perfectionism.

How to Overcome Perfectionism

Stop comparing

Everyone has their own journey and their own story behind what they have or have not achieved in their life. Comparison only creates a doubt inside of us, of not being ‘good enough’. Instead of looking around, look inside. Embrace your uniqueness, acknowledge what make you ‘YOU‘.

Don’t look out for validation

You are the only one who can and should determine your self worth. When you seek approval from others, you are simply giving away your powers to them. No one knows you better than yourself. So just live to prove to yourself and not others.

Separate your self-worth from your achievements

What you do is not who you are. Success is not the marker of self-worth. You are much more than mere a title. Your creativity, hard-work, empathy, generosity, love can not be measured through your accomplishments alone. You are boundless, worthy, lovable; no matter what you can do and what you can not.

Focus on your strengths

Everyone is good at something, look for it inside of you. In your quest for perfection, you have been only focusing on your imperfections and shortcomings. Now is the time to change your perspective and look for all your qualities that are much bigger than your flaws. Acknowledge them and be proud of them.

Move on from failures

Mistake are just mistakes; nothing more. Learn from them and move on. Mistakes and setback are not the hurdles, but the milestones of your beautiful and meaningful journey. Holding onto them won’t let you move forward. So just try, slip, learn and repeat. Never stop learning, never stop trying.

Be kind to yourself

More than achieving results, admire your journey of hardship and resilience. Appreciate yourself for the all the efforts you have put in that brought you closer to your goal. Give a pat on your back for trying and celebrate every victory of yours even if it is not the perfect one.

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Being real, honest and meaningful is much more significant than being perfect.

"Don't strive for perfection. Just do enough"