Arguments in a relationship are normal, even healthy. So, there is no point in trying to never have one. Simply because, it’s not possible! Or even sensible. In fact, arguments are beneficial. They help us release our suppressed emotions. Also, they give us a chance to understand our partner better.
So, the problem is not in fighting. Problem is to make fights hurtful. It’s emotionally distressing and unhealthy for a relationship. That’s why it is crucial to handle these conflicts fairly. And the first step towards this is to identify the ‘four horsemen‘, whenever they appear in an argument.
Gottman’s four horsemen of apocalypse
Also called four predictors of divorce or four pillars of unhappy relationships. These behaviour patterns are best to be avoided in a conflict. According to John Gottman, conflict is not a problem, it’s the way we handle it. However, conflict does become a problem when it is characterised by four horsemen of apocalypse. Which are Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling.
Criticism
Here, your complaints are focused on your partner rather than the issue itself. It usually begins with statements like ‘you always’ or ‘you never’. So basically you are conveying that something is wrong with the person. And this is different than voicing a complaint. While, complaints are focussed on behaviour. Criticism is rather aimed at person’s character.
Antidote – Gentle start up
Try to begin your statements with ‘I’ rather than ‘you’. It’s important to tell your partner how do you feel about a particular behaviour. And what do you expect from them instead. Just focus on the behaviour that bothers you. Use phrases like ‘I need’, ‘I feel’. Also, in place of generic statements, be more specific in your requests and complaints. This will help them to understand what you exactly need.
Defensiveness
Defensiveness is when you pose yourself as a victim to ward of an attack. This approach rarely has an intent of improving a situation. Because it actually is an attempt to shift the blame to other partner. Denying responsibilities: ‘I am busy, why don’t you do it?’. Making excuses: ‘I couldn’t because…’. Meeting one complaint with another: ‘I did it because you did that’. These are all examples of defensiveness. Though it could be a natural response in the middle of a conflict. But it doesn’t help the relationship.
Antidote – Take responsibility
By doing this you can quickly release the tension and prevent an argument from escalating. Understand your partner’s perspective. Avoid taking feedbacks personally. Own up to your own behaviour than blaming them. Take responsibility of your role in a conflict. It shows you partner that you truly care about their feelings.
Contempt
It’s the worst of four horsemen. Because, it robs the relationship of equality and mutual respect. Contempt is where you put your partner down while feeling superior yourself. Sarcasm, mockery, ridicule, crude humour, name-calling, demeaning comments are a few examples of contempt. It stems from a habit where you always look at your partner’s flaws, in place of appreciating their qualities. Though, people expressing their contempt believe that they are expressing their true feelings. But ironically, it’s the last thing they are doing. They are simply putting themselves above their partner.
Antidote – Express your genuine feelings
Behind contempt their is a hidden need. Relationships become contemptuous when these needs are not met. Acknowledge what you truly need and express them. Again, be specific of what you need. Next, practice gratitude. While contempt makes you focus on all your partner’s faults. Gratitude on the other hand makes you appreciate all the wonderful things about them. Express your gratitude to your partner regularly. This way your conversation will have more positive interactions than the negative ones. Follow the magic ratio of 5:1. Which is to greet one negative talk with five positive ones.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling happens when one person totally withdraws from a conversation. It send cues to your partner that you are not interested in what they have to say. And you don’t care about how they feel. Few examples are: avoiding eye contact, pretending to be busy or giving monosyllabic answers. Stonewalling, doesn’t avoid a conflict. It rather escalate it. Because when one partner is shut down, the other one feels unimportant. And they become more furious.
Antidote – Self sooth, then re-engage
Stonewalling happens when you feel emotionally overwhelmed. Take a break to cool yourself down. Tell your partner that you need a break and will be back to discuss the issue. Indulge in some stress reducing activities during the break. For example take a short walk or play music. You can express yourself more constructively when you are relaxed. And when you feel calmer, re-engage with your partner.
Conflicts are inevitable. In fact not having one is a warning sign. It means that you don’t trust your partner with your feelings. Or you are too dejected to share your emotions. What matters the most; is that even in an argument, you are sensitive and respectful towards their emotions.
"Peace is not the absence of conflict; it is the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means." – Ronald Reagan