“There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it, or leave it. If you can’t accept it, change it. If you can’t change it, leave it.” - Buddha
While we all are very well aware of the fact that life is uncertain. But somewhere deep inside our heart, we still expect things to remain as it is. Especially, if they going in our favour. That is why, when people encounter grief or disappointment, they turn their face from reality. And often tell themselves ‘This can’t be true’ or ‘This can not happen’. This refusal of accepting reality may look like an attempt to avoid pain. But in actual it isn’t; rather, it only prolongate the pain.
On the other hand, if you accept the reality of what has happened. And acknowledge the emotions caused by it. You can prevent your pain from turning into suffering. This ability to accept the situation outside of your control, is Radical Acceptance. Rooted in buddhism, it’s an act of kindness and compassion directed towards self.
What is Radical Acceptance
Based on the notion, that ‘acceptance is the first step towards change’. Radical acceptance is a continuous practice to accept unpleasant situations, that you have no control over. While, it doesn’t mean that you approve of them. But by accepting them non-judgmentally, you can reduce the suffering caused by them.
Radical acceptance is a conscious effort, to acknowledge your difficult emotions instead of ignoring them. These emotions could be a result of a painful past, or of a dire situation that you are currently in. And lack of acceptance won’t fade these emotions away. Rather, they remain buried deep inside. Only to rot you from within, or to erupt later disproportionately.
Origin of Radical Acceptance
Radical acceptance is originated from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), by Marsha Linehan. Concept of DBT is very helpful in dealing with stress related issues. Skills taught in DBT are:
Mindfulness – It’s a practice to view situations without judgment. Which in turn helps a person to accept and manage unpleasant emotions resulting from them.
Distress Tolerance – Adopting healthy coping behaviours while facing a stressful situation. A few examples of healthy coping include distraction, self-soothing, or listing our pros and cons of your choice.
Emotion regulation – Understanding and naming your emotions. This practice, helps in changing emotions and thus reduces emotional vulnerability. Therefore, it is helpful in managing conditions that could induce extreme emotions.
Interpersonal effectiveness – A practice of maintaining healthy relationships. It includes balancing your needs with the needs of others. And at the same time maintaining your self-respect.
What Radical Acceptance does NOT mean
Abuse Tolerance
Radical acceptance does not advise to accept a disrespectful behaviour directed towards you. For example, being in a abusive relationships, or being harassed at workplace, or being taken advantage of. Such situations calls for a change and standing up for yourself. Radical acceptance does NOT encourage abuse tolerance.
Approval
Accepting the reality does not mean you approve of it. While you do acknowledge that the past has happened for real. But at the same time you do not approve of the injustice or trauma you had been through. Or that you agree to the pain caused by it.
Giving up
Acceptance is not an excuse to be passive or to give up on your rights in a matter. It does NOT suggest that you remain stuck in a situation where you can bring a change. For example, acceptance in a relationship does not mean that you both can not or should not work towards making improvements.
When does Radical Acceptance help
Radical acceptance helps you to keep your emotions in check and not letting them overwhelm you. It enables you to accept reality and bring your focus on what you can control. Which in turn aids in releasing painful emotions. Once your emotions are managed, it is possible for you to work towards finding the solution. A few examples of situations where radical acceptance could be beneficial are:
– While dealing with an unexpected event like job loss.
– When your loved one has died.
– When you are coping up with a breakup or divorce.
– At times when you are unable to move on from a negative event.
– As an anger management tool.
– To practice self-care.
Radical Acceptance takes Practice
Radical acceptance is not easy to practice. It may take a lifetime of continuous and conscious efforts to get a hang on it completely. Just like mindfulness, it is a work in progress, a little more each day. While this skill helps you to get through difficult times. It requires constant dedication.
10 Steps for Radical Acceptance
1. Observe when you are fighting against reality. Or when you can not accept something.
2. Remind yourself that it has happened and it can not be changed.
3. Remind yourself that there are reasons behind this reality. And those reasons are not in your control.
4. Use relaxation techniques. Follow mindfulness practices. Try journaling, self-talk and self-reflection to understand your emotions.
5. Think about your behavior if you had accepted the reality. Then do it as if you had already accepted what happened.
6. Imagine what things would be like if you accepted the situation.
7. Pay attention to your emotions and how they feel in your body. Are there any sensation, tightness, pain?
8. Allow yourself to feel disappointment, sadness, or grief.
9. Acknowledge that life is worth living even when experiencing pain.
10. If you are resisting practicing acceptance, make a list of pros and cons. And try to better understand the impact of your choice.
While it is hard to accept reality when things turn real bad. But letting your emotions run wild will only delay healing.
“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” - Dalai Lama