Often we see people advising an injured child to “be brave” or not to worry coz it’s “just a scratch” and probably that was our first training to reject pain. While it seem to be the best strategy to handle any hurtful situation, but does ignoring pain make it disappear? Does holding on to positivity, without acknowledging what we actually feel, helps? Does it seem possible to put up a brave face every single time when you are shattered from inside? I guess the answer is ‘no’, because when positivity goes too far it becomes ‘toxic’.

In simple terms, toxic positivity is an over-obsession with positive thinking. It’s a belief that no matter how dire your circumstances be, you should always choose to stay positive. It’s an underlying pressure to overlook any negative emotion that comes naturally with hardship or loss. Toxic positivity encourages an attitude that any negative emotions like sadness or anger should always be avoided.

Positivity in general is a good attribute, but toxic positivity has arose from an unrealistic expectation to be happy at all times. Yes, all of us want to stay positive and happy, but the only problem is that life doesn’t always gives you a reason to smile. There are times of grief too which comes with painful emotions. And simply discouraging these emotions won’t make them go away, instead they will be suppressed underneath and turn toxic for your mental health. This false assurance and denial of valid emotions causes a great harm to people who are going through difficult time.

Harmful effects of toxic positivity

Shame

It’s not always possible to deal adversities with bravery. There are times when we feel like wanting to give up. Toxic positivity in such times can lead to a feeling of shame as we were not able to keep our morals high. We might start to think we aren’t good enough as we couldn’t handle this situation well. This may lead to a sense of unworthiness.

Guilt

When facing a tragedy, one is bound to feel negative. It’s our natural response to events which evoke sadness. And this idea of rejecting negative emotions is freakish in hard times. And when we don’t feel positive in such situation, it brings in guilt. It makes us feel wrong to have emotions of despair and anger even when facing a loss.

Suppressed emotions

Toxic positivity is an avoidance mechanism. Instead of facing our emotions it teaches us to shun them. These suppressed emotions don’t magically disappear, instead they stay hidden deep inside and become a cause of sudden outburst later. Not just that, these emotions buried within only brings in more stress, anxiety and irritability.

Avoidance

Toxic positivity inspire us to avoid any situation that may cause hurt. This strategy usually backfires. Every emotion needs to be dealt with. No matter how painful it is. Avoiding them is like you are hiding from yourself. It blocks any chance of introspection or self growth. Running from oneself is never an option. It only damages our ability to face difficulties or handle tough situations.

Isolation

This pressure of putting up a brave face in adversities, refrain people to seek help from outside. When they are trying to hide their true emotions, it becomes extremely difficult for them to open up in front of others. This behaviour discourages intimacy and promotes isolation. People who don’t connect with their own emotions, find it difficult to connect with others.

Low self esteem

This feeling of shame or guilt for experiencing your own emotions can directly impacts your self-esteem. And when people are unable to feel positive in hard times, they start to think that they have failed. This constant need of looking for goodness in whatever happens, makes people judgemental about themselves. They tend to criticise themselves for not been able to keep their spirits high.

How to avoid toxic positivity

Validate

Instead of rejecting an emotion as it come, accept the feeling and try to look for the source of it. Many a times our anger seem disproportionate, but if you dwell into it you would understand that it’s not irrational. There is always a reason behind any emotion, so instead of simply blocking the sentiment, a quick introspection around the source is a much better way to deal with any negative emotion. And once you start validating your emotions, you are able to better manage them

Hope

Hope is not false reassurance. Holding on to hope in rough times gives you strength to keep going. Being hopeful doesn’t mean not to accept what you are facing right now, it’s just a reminder that there is more to life than this unpleasant phase.

Acknowledge

Acknowledge your emotions without judging them. Our emotions are our natural reaction to any circumstance that we are in. Let them come to you naturally and tell yourself it’s okay to feel this way. Also, separate yourself from your emotions. Having a negative feeling is entirely different from being a negative person.

Let grief take its course

Don’t be in a hurry to gather yourself. Give yourself time you need. Accepting a loss is a process that takes times. So stop rushing towards positivity and give sometime for the pain to subside. Denying your emotions will only elongate this process of grief and it may induce unhealthy coping methods like substance abuse.

Be realistic

It’s an unrealistic expectation to stay happy at all times. Our emotions are just a reflection of what we are experiencing in our lives. And our experience could be anything! On some days we are on cloud nine while on others we feel buried deep. And that’s how life is meant to be. So don’t paint a false picture of yourself. Be human, be emotional and be realistic.

Practice mindfulness

Understand your triggers, recognise your glimmers. Instead of being reactive, be mindful of how you feel. Feelings can coexist. Allow yourself to feel multiple emotions. You can be grateful for your good health and at the same time feel exhausted after a long day of work. Mindfulness helps you to be aware of yourself, what you feel and how you act.

Practice gratitude

Gratitude is a feeling of gratefulness towards little and big things in life. This emotion keeps us connected to ourselves and others. This brings upon a realisation that you are not alone. When you are grateful for what you have, it’s easier to cope up with adversities. With a grateful heart you can honour yourself with all your strengths and weaknesses.

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We are humans and we are bound to have feelings. Let’s welcome our emotions neutrally instead of labelling them as positive or negative. Seek help when you need, take a pause when you are overwhelmed. Laugh when you are tickled and cry when you are hurt.

"If you wish to be gentle with others, first be gentle with yourself." - Buddha