“I’m fine”, a quick reply to a casual greeting or a friendly “Hello, how are you?” A polite phrase where we ensure the person asking that we are doing fine in health, career, and life in general. However, this casual two-word phrase becomes a problem when it turns into our life mantra, an unspoken expectation. And along with pretending, we begin to convince ourselves, “Oh, I am just fine”. It often starts with hiding emotions that are difficult to handle.
This act of hiding emotions has a term in psychology called repressive coping. It’s a way of staying positive by downplaying your problems and pretending everything – not to the world but to yourself.
Repressive Coping: The Act Of Hiding Emotions
Repressive coping is an avoidance strategy where people turn their heads away from uncomfortable realities. Especially when those realities are accompanied by unpleasant emotions. For example, someone who is stressed by work would just dismiss it by saying, “No, I am not stressed, just tired of work.” In another scenario, where instead of admitting that a personal comment was hurtful, people would just smile and say, “Oh, I am fine, I don’t care.” While in reality, that comment actually stung. And in our daily life, there are many such scenarios where we just try to stay strong and positive. Forcing a smile, using distraction or shrinking a problem by saying, “Oh, it’s not a big deal”.
The catch is, you aren’t saying the problem doesn’t exist, you are just saying that it’s not a big deal. You aren’t saying that it doesn’t hurt, you are just saying that it’s not a big deal. And you keep telling your mind that I am strong enough not to be bothered by it. This is a common mistake that people make while trying to be strong and move on. They believe that these painful emotions would add to their stress, and by avoiding them, you can live stress-free. But the truth is, hiding emotions was never a solution, because emotions don’t magically disappear. The only way to deal with them is by acknowledging them.
Why Do People Pretend To Be ‘Fine’
The biggest reason is vulnerability. We don’t want to tell the world, and especially ourselves, that ‘I’m weak’. “I feel like crying, I can’t handle this, I need some rest.” These phrases are a sign of weakness to us. So what do we do? We put on a mask of positivity and get back in the race. Because if you pause, you’ll lose. Another factor behind hiding emotions is social expectations. In our society, rest is branded as laziness and dependable and unshakeable ones are admired. People who work tirelessly are set as examples, and those who never let their emotions show are praised.
Some of us were raised in families where hiding emotions was encouraged. “Don’t cry”, “Stop overreacting”, “Be strong” and “Oh, it’s nothing” were constant messages we heard growing up. So we learned to hide our feelings, not only from others but from ourselves too. And as adults, we are expected to handle responsibilities, set examples, and make an impression. There is hardly any scope to fall apart. So we keep pushing away any feeling that disturbs our sense of control. After all, what do emotions have to do with productivity? Why pay attention to what’s unimportant? So we keep ignoring them with the belief that everything is just fine.
Why You Should Stop Ignoring Emotions
Because hiding emotions won’t make them disappear. It only buries them somewhere deep, only to come out in uglier or unexpected form. These unhandled emotions keep accumulating in our body and mind and show up as tiredness, irritability, headaches, and sudden tears. You may stop enjoying things that were fun before. Or don’t feel charged enough even after resting. Hidden emotions show up in many ways like mood swings, restlessness or overthinking, disrupting the whole rhythm of your life. The world may admire you for being the calm and composed one, but at what cost?
And this disturbance shows up in relationships as well. Your irritability may show up when you react strongly to small things, or when you can’t fully engage in conversations because your mind is busy overthinking. You may feel distant from others, even from yourself. And the most ironic part? People genuinely stop checking on you because you always seem fine. Additionally, this unpredictable emotional behavior like snapping or withdrawing, creates confusion between partners. Now they are not sure how to connect with you. And you are left confused about how to connect with yourself.
How To Cope Without Hiding Emotions
Give a name to your feelings
Don’t generalise, be specific. Take a pause and notice how exactly you feel. Tired? Overwhelmed? Anxious? Confused? When you know what exactly you are feeling, you can respond better. Tired? Take a short break. Overwhelmed? Write it down. Anxious? Step back for a moment. Confused? Talk to someone you trust. Likewise, handling emotions gets easier the moment you start recognising them.
Give outlet to your emotions
You don’t have to solve emotions; you just need to express them. And expression doesn’t necessarily have to be verbal. There are many ways to clear your mind. Journaling is a safe and simple way. Others can be exercising to release the pent-up energy. Or if you want a more relaxed approach, then listen to some music or just sit quietly by yourself.
Practice mindfulness
Approach your emotions non-judgmentally. Don’t label them as negative. When you begin to see your emotions as natural reactions to your experiences, you won’t feel ashamed of them. And when there is no shame, there is no need to avoid them. Uncomfortable emotions are also a part of being human. So, when emotions are not judged as good or bad, they lose control over us.
Ask for help
You don’t have to handle everything alone. That’s not self-reliance. So, spend some time with a trusted listener who doesn’t interrupt and let you talk. Speak to someone who doesn’t criticise or advise but just stays present with you. You don’t always need a problem solver; you just need a space to speak.
Prioritise me time
Amongst all responsibilities and commitments, book an appointment with yourself. Spend a few minutes every day, no matter how busy you are, doing something you truly enjoy. And make it a ritual. Whatever your idea of me time is, honour it with your full commitment. Because self-care is not optional, it’s a necessity.
Set Boundaries
Learn to step back before breaking down. Others’ needs don’t have to be at the cost of your health. Take rest without guilt. Prioritise sleep. Unwind when you feel the need. Because those who handle everything, the dependable and unshakable ones, need time to recharge too. You don’t have to follow others’ success stories, you can write your own. So, stop comparing your struggles with others. Instead, learn to understand and honour your own needs.
Sometimes the biggest act of courage is to allow yourself to feel.
"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." - Maya Angelou