Kindness, empathy, understanding, generosity: these are some of the qualities that bring us close to people around us. Looking after someone, offering support when needed, showing warmth and being considerate. And by doing all this we let them know that we care. Helping someone is not just a good virtue but it also gratifying. And that is why helpfulness is considered one of the finest qualities.
And every act of kindness is perfectly fine till it is directed to others. But then what happens when the person who needs help is no other than but YOU? How does this virtue becomes a weakness when you see yourself at the receiving end? Why is it so hard to accept that I am the one who needs help and why is it so hard to go and ask for help?
Why is it so hard to ask for help?
Cultural stigma around asking for help
Our culture glorifies independence. Terms like self–made, solo are overly praised. On the other hand, looking out for help means you are either lazy or not trying enough. And instead of pushing yourself, you are just looking for an easy way out. Sadly, this stigma around ‘asking help’ is quite deeply rooted. And this training starts from young age. And that’s why kids don’t want to bother their parents with their school problems because they are trivial. They don’t want to ask help of their teachers in assignments because they are big enough to find answers. And they grow with this mindset into adulthood where they feel embarrassed in asking for help.
We don’t want to be seen as weak
That’s probably one of the biggest hurdle in asking for help. We don’t want to be seen vulnerable. We don’t want to be seen weak. Our desire to showcase ourselves as self-reliant holds us from seeking help. And asking help means to let the other person know that you are incapable of handling it all by yourself. It means letting your guards down. And most importantly, it’s a fear of how people would perceive us. What would they think? Like, I am incapable or not skilled enough or not strong enough!
We have trust issues
For some people, asking for help means giving control to someone else. The control that should have been in your hands only. And this power shifting is uneasy, especially when you can’t trust them completely. When you still have doubt about loosening your grip. When you still think that you could have done better. And when you are overpowered by the thought, “what if i am trusting the wrong person?“. Especially if it has happened before. And off course due to trust issues, people carry the burden of their problems alone instead of taking help.
We glorify self-sacrifice
Putting others needs before yours is believed to be noble. And we often prioritise others over ourselves to an extent that it starts hurting us. No matter how overworked or tired we might be, we don’t ask for a share of burden. And while wanting to be helpful, we simply forget to ask for help. Secondly, we don’t want to burden anyone. After all they have their own problems to deal with, why should they deal with mine? And that’s how asking for help becomes an awkward situation to be in.
We overestimate rejection
Usually we don’t ask for help because we think we might not get it. May be others are too busy to help or they don’t want to help. Or maybe they just can’t help. We fear hearing a ‘no’. We fear rejection. But the fact is we already are at rejection. Because unless you ask a question you can’t get an answer. And there is a 50% probability that you would hear a yes. But if you don’t ask, there is a rejection by one hundred percent.
Asking for help is a sign of strength
Sign of maturity
One of the sign of maturity is that, you know that you don’t have all the answers. And for you there is no shame in admitting that you need help. Asking for help means you are open to advice, suggestion, support and assistance. And that’s the sign of maturity. Because that’s how we find solutions. By working together, by helping and by getting help. Mere pretending that everything is fine doesn’t give solutions and neither does masking your weakness make you better. And mature people understand this basic fact while immature once just act tough.
Sign of self-confidence
Don’t fear what people would think of you because you are confident in your capabilities as well as your limitations. You are open to improvement, you are open to feedbacks. And you admire people for the strength they have in areas where you need to work. You don’t doubt yourself. You ask for help because you are aware of your struggles and not because you are not good enough. And most importantly, you don’t value yourself based others opinion of you. You are the only one who validates yourself.
Sign of smartness
You are smart enough to take help and save time. Also it saves you from unnecessary frustration. It’s good to be self aware and recognise when you need help. If a piece of advise saves you hours of menial work then it’s a sign of productivity, not incompetence. Yes, there is nothing wrong in solving your own problems and trying various ways ways to find solutions. But that’s pointless if it’s taking considerable amount of time. That’s inefficient.
Sign of growth mindset
Taking help opens up opportunities to learn and grow. Taking help from people who have more experience and expertise can fast track your learning. A growth mindset is a believe that skills and abilities are developed over time through learning and effort. That’s why people with growth mindset are high achievers because instead of worrying about looking smart, they invest their energy in learning.
How to ask for help
Decide what to ask for
The most obvious but the most significant step is to know what exactly you need. The more clarity you have, the better. So instead of rushing just take a pause and figure it out. So when you go about asking for help you can convey your need specifically. This clarity of need is essential because otherwise you won’t be benefited by the help you get.
Choose whom to ask
Think about who has the skills, expertise or knowledge about the subject you need help in. For emotional support choose the person you are most comfortable with, with whom you can be vulnerable. Decide, whether you need solutions or comfort and choose the right person who can provide you exactly what you need. Just because someone is available doesn’t mean they are right choice for you at the moment. Likewise don’t rule out someone only because they have refused to help in the past.
Ask at the right time
To avoid urgency, refrain from asking help at the last minute. Be considerate and let the person response at their own pace. And that can only happen as long you don’t delay your problem so it become an urgency. Be mindful and hold back if the person is distracted or stressed. Wait until they are in right frame of mind to help you out. A response given in rush might not be helpful to you. And if possible wait until you see them in person to make your request.
Communicate assertively
You don’t want to sound demanding and you don’t want to be passive either. Your tone should be humble and respectful. You have to be clear in what you ask and you also need to show your trust in the other person. That’s why assertive communications is the key where you are clear in your asking while being respectful. And it especially works well when you are high on emotions while dealing with problems.
Kindness is not a one way street. Be kind to others and don’t hesitate in asking it for yourself. You don’t really have to do it all alone. Take help.
"Be strong enough to stand alone, smart enough to know when you need help, and brave enough to ask for it" - Unknown