Anger can take many forms. A couple of generations ago it was in form of physical punishment. It was very common and socially acceptable for parents to hit their kids. Nowadays, corporal punishments have been replaced by yelling. A new form of discipline which is mistakenly believed to be much better than hitting. But just because we believe so, or may be taught so, it doesn’t mean it is any less damaging.
And when it comes to yelling, it’s usually more at the parent’s end than at the child. Their behaviour mostly is not the prime reason that we yell. It mostly arises from our own stressors.
Why do parents yell?
Sensory overload
So basically when all of your five senses have taken up information more than what your brain can process. Our senses are working 24×7 behind the scenes. Non-stop chatting, flashing lights, crowd, media there is too much information taken by our senses. Sensory load is very common and can happen in our live any time. But before parenting, we had time for ourselves. We had time to recharge, to take a break; our nights were quite. We could sleep with all lights off and could spend mornings in calming sounds of nature.
Which is obviously less common now. That’s the reason, we feel overwhelmed and exhausted by sensorial experiences. And when it gets too much, we yell. And sadly our kids becomes the soft target.
We want to be heard
Kids are distracted, and we are overloaded. We yell because we want then to come out of their zone, and pay attention to US. We yell because we want to be heard. When we believe that we have a valid point and we are being intentionally ignored, or misheard or invalidated; our brain yells internally, “I AM MAKING SENSE”. So you must listen to me. That’s why as much as we want to stress our point, just as much we raise our voice.
That’s what we have learnt
Parenting is intergenerational. Which means, earlier generations psychologically influence parenting attitude of next generation. When we were kids; spanking, yelling, punishment all were essential part of discipline. Those who didn’t use hard measures were ridiculed of raising spoilt kids. And unconsciously and even unintentionally, our parenting style has also adopted lots of such measures. Thus, we have replaced hitting with yelling because we consider it less harsh.
Why should we stop yelling
It doesn’t work
Kids can not learn in fight-or-flight mode. Yelling is nothing but an expression of anger, it’s threatening. And fight-or-flight mode is a psychological reaction of our brain while perceiving threat. Where brain shuts down every other part which is not responsible to protect and defense. And learning is one such part. For a kid, a screaming adult is threatening. And when the kids are scared, the learning centre of their brain shuts down.
That is why calm and peaceful communication is the only way to teach, because when kids feel safe they are more receptive.
Yelling is new spanking
While many of us might think yelling is much softer (and that’s why more acceptable) than physical punishment. But the fact is that yelling is equally abusive as corporal punishment. And has similar negative effects as well. Children who are constantly yelled at develop behavioural and emotional issues similar to kids who are physically punished. In fact yelling would cause more harm than physical punishment if it is accompanied with shame and blame.
It worsens behaviour problem
Yelling solves the problem only momentarily. Child might act as expected because of fear. But that doesn’t mean that their behaviour has changed for good. Rather they feel devalued, and loose all the motivation to improve their behaviour. Additionally our brain processes, negative events more quickly than the positive ones. So frequent yelling can even change the way brain develops. So in neither of the case can yelling improve behavioural issues in children.
Can lead to emotional problems
Kids feel hurt, anxious and sad when parents yell at them. And this form of verbal abuse causes deeper emotional issue which they carry into adulthood. Children pick up anxiety from parents, and the more parents yell the more this anxiety grows. Moreover, this recurrent yelling can hamper child’s self-esteem as well. Because they start to see themselves negatively. And this low self-esteem can become the biggest hurdle in their achievements and social connections.
Interfere with bonding
Children can not feel connected until they feel safe and secure. Yelling makes children withdraw from parents. As parents, kids learn from us and yelling teaches them to fear us. Our kids needs our support and understanding and yelling does just the opposite. They feel disconnected and hence don’t open themselves to share their life with us. They like to stay distant from us because our proximity is not comforting.
Makes child vulnerable
Another harmful effect of yelling is that the child either becomes susceptible to bullying or can become a bully themself. One of the psychological effect of yelling is that children become fearful and this fear reflects in their social interactions as well. They either become submissive because their understanding of self-respect is distorted. Or they start to pick on others for they want to feel better about themselves.
Alternatives to raising voice at kids
Self-awareness
Off course yelling doesn’t come out of the blue, there is something running at the backend which has simply came out in this form. And any trigger can make you yell. So maybe you are not yelling at spilled milk, it’s the upcoming deadline that is driving you crazy. So the key is to identify your stressors as well as triggers. Which for sure varies from person to person. Recognising your patterns will help you to stay proactive in situation that makes you yell.
Make a list of ‘yes‘, ‘no‘ and ‘may be‘
We all want our kids to be well-behaved and respect boundaries. But we also need to access if we are pushing them way too hard against these boundaries. It is absolutely unreasonable and unfair to say ‘no’ practically all the times. So let’s first learn to say yes to them. Make a list of the things where it’s no harm in saying yes. Where the child can and should make decisions on their own. The ‘yes’ list. Next, list all the things where you can negotiate and mutually agree; the ‘maybe’ list. And the last and the tiniest one is the ‘no’ list. The non-negotiables. For example, sleepover at a friend’s house with no parents at home.
So the idea is picking your battles, so as to avoid any chance of unnecessary arguments. Lesser the arguments, lesser the instances of yelling. And more importantly, it’s a healthy way of setting boundaries and expectations.
Involve kids in setting rules
When kids are involved in setting rules, they understand why such rules are needed. Hence they accept them better. Giving them a say means we welcome their opinion on the matter. Thus they learn to take responsibility for behaviour which they themselves have agreed upon. And when this whole process of setting rules seem fair to kids, they are more likely to stick to rules.
Differentiate between behaviour and emotions
Often behavioural issues are nothing but a distorted expression of underlying emotions. Kids have a weak emotional vocabulary, they are many a times unable to understand and express their emotions. But as parents we can help them address their emotional needs. So instead of reacting entirely on behaviour let’s address them with empathy and try to understand the emotions behind such a behavior.
Listen to your child non-judgmentally
Be an active listener to your child. Listen to their stories, problems, concerns, thought and feelings. Pay undivided attention to them and ask relevant questions. Make them feel heard and understood. Give them an environment where they feel safe and comfortable in expressing themselves. When we work proactively on communication, we build trust and deepens the connections. And when children feel connected and understood, they cooperate.
Understand what is normal behaviour
Before even calling a behaviour as problematic, we first need to understand what is a normal behaviour. For example; asking for more freedom, challenging boundaries, exploring new interest, they are all very typical behaviour of a growing child. And many a times we as parents confused such normal behaviours as issues. So before we start discipline our kids using harsh measure it’s imperative that we first educate ourselves.
Use consequences but leave out threats
Threats are dictatorial, threats are pointless. Because mostly they don’t make sense. For example, ‘if you don’t clean your room I won’t make pasta for dinner’. And what exactly is the connection between two? That’s what threats are. An outburst of anger. A form of punishment which has no correlation with the action involved.
Consequences on the other hand are logical. Like in above example, child will not get pasta for dinner because they have hogged out an entire packet of chips already. So the consequence is vegetables for dinner. Consequences are related to what child did. It may or may not involve a parent. For example, if they don’t keep the room clean, they might lose something significant. So they must learn to keep things organised.
Take care of yourself
Stress can take any form. It may come out as yelling or can stay hidden as a headache waiting to come out later in more severe form. Parenting is demanding, it’s a serious responsibility. So it’s crucial that you must take care of yourself. Because a burn-out version of you is damaging to your child. So you must nurture your physical, mental and emotional self. Eat well, sleep well, give yourself breaks, indulge in a hobby, share responsibilities, spend time with friends.
Yelling not only hurt the child, but it also makes you feel terrible afterwards. Hence it is important to respond thoughtfully rather than impulsively react.
"The way we talk to our children become their inner voice." - Peggy O'mara