Crying is the first form of communication after birth and for a significant time, it’s the only way to communicate. But as we human start to master the language of words, we learn to neglect the other language. ‘The language of emotions’. A language which eyes say the words and heart listens to them.
When we see kids crying we want them to tell us what’s happening. Well, they are telling us what’s happening but we want them to use the language that we chose to communicate. WORDS.
Learn the language of emotions
Our expectation from kids, specially from the ones who can talk, is to express their emotions verbally. We want them to say “I am angry” instead of throwing a punch. A skill that many of us adults have not yet learnt. Well, this demand of using words is frustrating at both sides. Frustration in parents for they believe that these emotions are distorted. And children are frustrated because they are communicating perfectly but are still not understood.
And to communicate effectively, we need to learn the language of emotions. Which we have already practiced as parents. For our infants, we could understand the difference between hunger cry and lonely cry. We could give them exactly what they needed. But as kids learn to talk, we insist them to use this language all the time. And that’s not realistic. Emotions don’t work that way. Crying, laughter, anger, amusement; we have learnt this language much before the verbal one. And this language of emotions is inherent in us. When your child is a second away from touching a hot iron, you scream. You don’t say, “Honey! I am afraid that this act will cause you a second degree burn”.
Why is it hard to accept tears?
Stigma around crying
And this stigma considers crying as a sign of weakness. And that is why people think that ability to hold your tears back is the crucial sign of maturity. Crying is something that kids do. But does that mean it’s okay for a child to cry? Unfortunately not. Crying is a stigma for kids too.
When we were kids, our parents would tell us to stop crying. Some of us were told kindly. “Oh! there is nothing to cry about”, “Shh… now stop crying”. While others were scolded, ignored or even punished for crying. “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you a reason to cry for”. Those who don’t cry would get praises. As a result we learned to suppress our tears as we turned adults. And for the same reason it’s hard for us to give our kids the freedom to cry.
Confusion about crying
The most common notion about crying is temper tantrum. A behaviour which must be discouraged. For many parents it’s a sign of spoilt kids who use tears to get what they want. Such kids are often ignored or punished for shedding tears. While for other parents crying is just an immature behaviour for a child who isn’t old enough to talk. They believe that once the child is able to communicate through words, they would be able to express their emotions verbally.
In fact even those parents who understand that crying is response of stress, they also consider it to be unnecessary. They think that kids shall feel better if they stop crying so they start to use distraction tactics on their kids.
Big boys don’t cry
In our culture, crying is less acceptable to boys than to girls. That’s why parents are less tolerant of crying in boys. They believe that their sons would be thought as weak and less masculine if they show their emotions. As a result most men don’t shed a single tear in years. This suppression of crying is partially responsible for the fact that stress related illness is most common in men than women. It also explains why violent behaviour is more common in boys than in girls. Boys repeatedly repress their painful emotions which later comes out in more distorted and violent manner.
Such painful emotions don’t vanish on their own. They need to be dealt with. Unaddressed emotions cause significant harm to mental and emotional health. And they are mostly responsible for disturbing behaviour.
Let’s respond to tears
As parent we want our kids to be happy which means that we have to give them an environment that reduces stress significantly and hence reduces the need to cry. Such an environment is friendly, sensitive and accepting; which recognises child’s needs. Secondly, we need to shun the urge of making things better through distraction. So instead of saying, “Oh! don’t cry we’ll buy you another one”; try saying, “I understand it hurts when your toy breaks”. This response might louden the crying but it’s important that kids understands that their feelings are being accepted.
When they physically hurt themselves, acknowledge their pain instead of denying it or using distraction again. Kids must be taught that there is no shame in feeling and expressing pain.
What if the child throw tantrum?
Even if the crying seems out of proportion or disoriented, do not scold or punish the child. Usually triggered by an unrelated event, such crying is actually a channel to release pent up emotions which were accumulated for long. For example, the child might get outrageous over a broken crayon and at that time this reaction might look completely out of proportion. But even in such situation, let the child cry or throw tantrum. And that would require tremendous amount of patient.
If the child wants to be alone, respect that. Stay by their side without saying a word. And once the child cools down, instead of asking “What’s going on?”, give them a warm hug and say, “I feel you, I hear you” and let more tears roll down.
Crying is healing mechanism. A natural repair kit with which every human is born with. People of all ages cry because they need to and not because they are immature or spoilt. Our children need an environment where they can cry without distraction, ridicule or punishment. Because emotional acceptance is an essential part of parental love.
"Tears have no weight but they carry heavy feelings" - Unknown