Life has its ups and downs; rise and falls. That’s what makes it interesting and that’s what makes us alive. We are alive not because we breathe, we are alive because we feel. It’s because we have emotions. Feelings of joy, fear, pride, anger, remorse, amusement they all come and go with every event. Some of these stay for long and a few just vanish in minutes.

Emotions are essential; but can be complicated and confusing at times. We just don’t know how to deal with them, so instead of tackling them we find it easier to just push them away. As if just feeling them alone would be harmful to us or our loved ones.

Just think for a second; can feelings truly cause harm? Can you hurt someone by just feeling anger? I don’t think so. Because, you can hurt someone only through expressing anger. Isn’t it? So, basically it’s not our emotions that are making us regret later, it’s our actions. Because feelings are just feelings. They aren’t good or bad. They do not cause shame or guilt. However, it’s our actions that can cause harm. And that’s what needs to be checked. And to do that we should first learn to validate our emotions.

What is emotional validation

Emotional validation is to understand and accept your emotions without judging them. For an emotionally well person every emotion is neutral. From anger to pleasure, agony to joy, excitement to disappointment; they are just emotions. There aren’t positive emotions or negative emotions.

However, it’s important to understand that by validating emotions you are not justifying them. Rather, you are being aware of your emotion so you can handle them thoughtfully. Because denying or discouraging emotions won’t make them go away. Instead, they will be suppressed underneath only to be burst out later exponentially. Not only that, these suppressed emotions are extremely harmful for your mental health too.

That’s why emotional validation is a crucial step towards your emotional well-being.

Validating emotions – How is it helpful

Emotional regulation

Emotional regulation is taking a pause between feelings and actions. It involves thinking thoroughly and patiently instead of instantaneously acting out. When we learn to recognise our emotions without labeling them, we can express ourselves appropriately and act in accordance to our values. And to regulate our emotions the first step is to accept them. So instead of telling yourself it’s wrong to feel sad or angry. Tell yourself it’s okay for feel this way. Validating your emotions helps you to cope up with overwhelming situations.

Boost self esteem

Practicing emotional validation also help us to separate ourselves from our emotions. It’s a mindful reminder that you are just feeling terrible, YOU are not a terrible person. Feeling bad doesn’t make you bad. Once you understand that feelings are simply our natural reaction to different situations, we realise that they come and go as situation changes. You on the other hand are much above and beyond of what you feel. Your self worth isn’t dependant on your feelings alone. So you shouldn’t judge yourself for having a certain feeling.

Distress Tolerance

Once you realize that your current emotions are just a byproduct of this stressful situation you are in; you can diffuse your intense emotions. This awareness helps your to understand your emotional triggers as well. You know how you feel and why you react. This makes self-soothing easier because you have better understanding of what works for you and what doesn’t.

How to practice emotional validation

Acknowledge emotions

Again, do not label or judge you emotions. Just accept them as they come. Tell yourself, ‘yes, I am angry’. Pay close attention to how exactly you feel. There could be multiple emotions jumbled up together. Listen to each one of them one by one. Write about how you feel. Be totally present with yourself without any distraction.

Identify the source

Ask yourself what makes you feel this way? Is your current feeling a result of your present situation or is it a result of a subdued past? Our emotions are influenced by our thoughts so paying attention to what we are thinking gives us a clue to why we are feeling in a certain way.

Reflect

Bring your awareness inwards and ask yourself. What do you need? What can you do to make yourself feel better? How can you improvise? What are your emotional triggers? How can you avoid them? Notice your thoughts and feelings when you answer each question. Self-reflection helps you to understand impact of your emotions on your thoughts and behaviour.

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Emotional validation like any other skill, requires practice, patience and consistent effort. Just remember you cannot control your emotions, so stop trying to. Instead let them come to you as is without confronting.

"When emotions are pushed aside or ignored, they get stronger. We have to feel it to heal it." - Susan David