Although the term gaslighting feels a little heavy, something that only happens in toxic relationships or TV drama. But in reality, it’s way more common than we think. It shows up in everyday moments like when someone says, “Relax, you’re taking it the wrong way.” Gaslighting happens when someone makes you second-guess what you felt or experienced. And honestly? A lot of people do it without meaning to.
Gaslighting in relationships can happen even when there’s affection and good intentions. That’s what makes it so confusing.
What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is when someone makes another person question their own thoughts, feelings, or memories. It often happens in close relationships and can be subtle, starting with small comments like “You’re overreacting” or “I was joking“. But over time, these kinds of responses can make the other person start to doubt themselves – “Maybe I’m overthinking.” or “Do I always misunderstand?” The person being gaslit to ends up feeling confused, questioning their reality, and losing confidence in their own judgment. While gaslighting can be intentional, it is often done unconsciously. Like our other behaviours, this one is also shaped by past experiences, family dynamics or a need to avoid blame or discomfort.
Signs of gaslighting behaviour: let’s reflect
Denial: Do I sometimes deny things I said or did, even when the other person clearly remembers them? “I never said that—you must be confused.“
Blame: Do I often shift the blame onto the other person during disagreements? “Well, if you hadn’t brought it up in that tone, I wouldn’t have reacted like that.“
Minimise their feelings: Do I downplay or dismiss my partner’s emotions when I feel uncomfortable? “You’re being overly sensitive. It wasn’t a big deal.”
Twisting fact: Do I subtly twist the story to make myself look better or avoid blame? “I didn’t mean it like that. You are blowing it out of proportion.“
Guilt-tripping: Do I make my partner feel guilty when they express their needs or concerns? “I try so hard, but apparently I never do anything right.“
Using love to avoid accountability: Do I use affection or love as a way to shut down uncomfortable conversations? “I’ve always been like this. You chose me, flaws and all.“
Making them doubt their memory: Do I question or challenge my partner’s memory in a way that makes them unsure? “You really think I’d say something like that? You must have misunderstood me.”
Playing victim: Do I often react as if I’m the one being attacked, even when I’m in the wrong? “Why is it always my fault? What about how I feel?“
If any of these sounds familiar, it’s a sign to pause and reflect.
Why we might gaslight: let’s understand
Understanding the why behind a behaviour is the key to opening the door to meaningful change.
Fear of being wrong
Gaslighting isn’t always rooted in malice, many times it comes from a fear of being wrong or exposed. When someone feels threatened by the idea of making a mistake, they may instinctively twist facts, deny past conversations, or shift blame. But the fact is they are not doing it to hurt the other person, but to protect their own self-image. Admitting fault can feel like a personal failure, especially if they were raised in environments where being wrong was punished. So instead of saying, “You’re right, I forgot and I’m sorry,” they might say, “That’s not what happened,” because facing the truth feels too exposing.
For example, if a partner forgets they promised to help with something and is called out, they might respond with, “I never said I’d do that – you must’ve misunderstood.” In reality, they may remember the promise but feel too ashamed or defensive to admit the slip. Instead of owning the mistake, they rewrite the moment to avoid discomfort. This defensive behaviour can become a pattern, often without the gaslighter even realising the harm it’s causing.
Learned behaviour
Gaslighting can also be a learned behaviour, rooted in early life experiences and family dynamics. Someone who grew up in an environment where truth was regularly denied, emotions were dismissed, or blame was constantly shifted may absorb these habits as normal ways of dealing with conflict. Over time, they carry these strategies into adult relationships – often without realising the impact.
For instance, if someone’s parents regularly said things like “That never happened, you just made it up,” the child may grow up learning that denying is the way to protect themselves or maintain control. Later in life, they might say to a partner, “You’re taking it too personally, it was a casual remark.” when confronted about a hurtful comment. Or they might say, “You always twist what I say,” as a way to deflect accountability, simply because it’s what they witnessed or experienced growing up. They may not be consciously trying to manipulate; rather, they’re repeating scripts that once helped them feel safe, accepted, or less vulnerable.
Emotional immaturity
Sometimes, gaslighting stems from emotional immaturity – a person’s limited ability to manage uncomfortable emotions like guilt, embarrassment or vulnerability. So, instead of admitting a mistake or listening to how they’ve hurt someone, they might say things that shift the blame or make the other person feel at fault. Not because they want to manipulate, but because they don’t know how to handle emotional responsibility.
For example, if a friend says, “You forgot to call me on my birthday,” they might say, “Well, I’ve been really busy – sorry I’m not perfect,” turning the conversation into guilt instead of simply apologising. They might even say things like, “Why are you always mad at me?” or “I can’t do anything right,” as a way to shut down the conversation altogether. Admitting fault can feel threatening to their sense of self. Hence, instead of facing those feelings directly, they may fall back on defence mechanisms like denial or sarcasm. These responses aren’t always intentional; in fact, they’re often automatic, shaped by emotional habits picked up over time.
Desire to control
In some cases, gaslighting is driven by a desire to control – whether it’s control over another person’s emotions or even their perception of reality. This kind of gaslighting is often more intentional for people who fear losing influence, or feeling powerless. The gaslighter may use manipulation to maintain authority, or keep the upper hand in the relationship.
For example, saying, “I told you already – you must have forgotten,” even though the conversation never actually happened. Over time, hearing this repeatedly can make the other person start doubting their own memory. Another common tactic is saying, “Anyone else would agree that you’re making a big deal out of it.” which uses imagined social consensus to isolate the person and make them feel alone in their experience. These statements may seem casual or harmless on the surface, but they slowly erode a person’s trust in their own reality. These kinds of tactics allow the gaslighter to stay in control – not just in the conversation but also in the relationship.
How to break the pattern: let’s grow
Pause and listen
One of the most powerful ways to break the cycle of gaslighting is to pause and listen when someone shares their feelings. Even if your first instinct is to get defensive. Gaslighting often happens when we rush to explain or deny to protect ourselves, instead of staying present with what the other person is saying. For example, if a coworker says, “I felt left out when I wasn’t invited to that meeting,” the quick reaction might be, “It wasn’t a big deal, you’re reading too much into it.” Instead, try pausing and saying, “I didn’t realise you felt that way. Let’s talk about it.”
Even with kids, this can be powerful. If a child says, “You never listen to me,” the reflex might be, “That’s not true – I’m always here for you.” But pausing and replying, “I didn’t realise you felt unheard. Can you tell me more?” can open the door to a much deeper connection. You don’t have to agree with everything someone says, but pausing, staying calm, and listening shows them that their feelings matter. Over time, this shift helps build trust and stronger relationships.
Validate their feelings
Another important shift in breaking the gaslighting pattern is to validate others’ feelings. And that doesn’t mean you have to fully agree with them or take all the blame. It simply means that you acknowledge that the other person’s experience is real and deserves respect. Often, when we feel blamed or misunderstood, we quickly respond with, “That’s not what I meant,” or “You’re taking it the wrong way.” But even if we didn’t intend to hurt someone, their feelings are still real. And validation means you respect how they feel, even if you see things differently.
Validation can be as simple as saying, “I can tell this meant a lot to you,” or “I didn’t mean to embarrass you, but I can see how that hurt.” These small acknowledgements go a long way in healing tension because it shows your willingness to understand, not just defend.
Own your action
Another approach to shift away from gaslighting is to take responsibility for your words or actions, even if they were unintentional. It’s natural to feel defensive when someone points out something we said or did that caused them pain. But being honest in such uncomfortable moments earns more trust than trying to dodge responsibility. Owning your part doesn’t make you weak – it shows emotional maturity and a genuine willingness to repair the connection.
For example, if someone says, “I felt hurt when you ignored my message,” the instinct might be to defend yourself with, “I didn’t ignore it, you’re overthinking it.” But a healthier response might be, “You’re right, I saw your message and didn’t reply. I was overwhelmed, but I should’ve communicated better. I’m sorry you felt ignored.” That simple moment of accountability creates space for healing instead of conflict.
Apologise mindfully
Accountability holds weight only when it’s followed by an apology that doesn’t come with excuses. A mindful apology means you take full ownership of how your words or actions affected the other person, even if it wasn’t intentional. For example, instead of saying, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I didn’t mean to upset you,” try something like, “I can see that what I said was upsetting. I’m truly sorry, and I’ll be more mindful going forward.” See the difference: one tries to protect the ego, the other protects the relationship.
You don’t need to explain everything in the moment. A clear, humble apology often speaks louder than a long explanation. It shows that you’re focused on the relationship, not just saving face.
Be honest with yourself
Before you take responsibility for others, learn to be honest with yourself. Gaslighting often begins not with the intention to hurt others, but with the fear of facing something uncomfortable within ourselves. Naming your discomfort – whether it’s shame, guilt, fear, or insecurity – helps you slow down and choose a more thoughtful response. Being honest with yourself doesn’t mean beating yourself up. It simply means pausing long enough to recognise your part, even if it’s small.
For example, when your child says, “You’re always on your phone when I’m talking to you.” Your first instinct might be to say, “That’s not true—I always listen!” But instead of reacting immediately, if you pause and check in with yourself, your inner self might tell you ‘I do listen, but I also check my phone a lot. I didn’t think they noticed, or that it mattered. But it clearly does.’ And from that place of honesty, your response becomes: “You’re right – I was distracted. I’m sorry. I’ll make sure to give you my full attention.” You don’t have to be perfect, but when you’re real with yourself, you’re far less likely to unintentionally gaslight others.
Normalise self-reflection
Make self-reflection a regular part of your communication, not just something you do after conflict. Self-reflection invites you to ask, “Could I have handled that better?” This small shift helps you stay grounded and curious, rather than reactive. When you normalise checking in with yourself, you naturally reduce the need to defend, deflect, or deny. You become more open to feedback and more aware of your impact on others. And that’s what breaks the cycle of gaslighting.
Relationships thrive when both people feel safe to be seen, heard, and believed. Whether you’ve experienced gaslighting or noticed those patterns in yourself, awareness is the first step.
"Healing requires honesty; we must acknowledge the gaslighting to restore our sense of self." - Cathy Heller