No. One the smallest word of the language. Just two letter and one syllable, making it effortless to say, but yet for most of us it’s the most difficult word to speak. Because it either feels awkward or wrong. And that is why many of us end up saying yes to any request that comes our way, even if we really want to say no.
But why is there so much of discomfort in saying no? Why does it sounds rude? And why do we find it unacceptable to refuse a request?
Why do we say yes when we want to say no
Fear of conflict
But then again, why do we fear conflict? Primarily because many of us lack skills that are required to resolve a conflict in a healthy way. When we see no positive way through disagreement, we simply try to avoid it. Another reason why we avoid conflicts is because we fear our own anger. Because we believe that we won’t be able to control ourselves if conflict kicks off. Thus it’s better to refer a passive way and avoid conflict.
Another factor that influence conflict avoidance is the false sense of responsibility. People feel that it’s their responsibility to keep peace by avoiding conflict. This false sense of responsibility is often a result of social conditioning and norms. Take for an example in a family, older siblings avoid conflict to act as a role model for younger ones. And younger siblings avoid conflict as sign of respect to elders.
People pleasing
When your kindness goes too far for pleasing people you’ll end up becoming a yes person. Because you just can’t disappoint anyone. Irrespective of the ask your response has to be a yes. Well on the surface it might seem like a pleasing behaviour only. But in actual it’s a deep rooted desire to be socially likeable and acceptable. Often victims of poor self-esteem and insecurities; people pleasers looks for an external validation and approval. Since they themselves lack self-confidence, they worry that others won’t like them if they don’t make others happy.
Fear of missing out (FOMO)
Are you the one who say yes to every night out, every meeting and every outing? To the extent that it gets so overwhelming that you can hardly make any room in your schedule? If the answer is yes than welcome to the FOMO club!! Fear of missing out is another reason people say yes to almost everything. Reason is simple; they fear that they might miss out on something wonderful if they say no. Because FOMO is ingrained in an irrational belief that everyone else is having more fun than us at all times.
Act of compulsion
There are times when we feel compelled to say yes. Be it societal norms or lack of assertiveness, we find it extremely hard to decline a request. And sometimes to an extent that we are taken advantage of. Because we even say yes to inappropriate demands and thoughtless requests. Though internally we feel hurt, anxious and angry for our actions, but the message we send is ‘I am okay’.
Why should you say no
Reduce unnecessary stress
One should know their limits. As a person you have your own commitments and limitations and it is important to respect that. If you keep saying ‘yes’ out of compulsion, you end up overworking yourself. When you say ‘no’ to someone or something, you also say no to the unnecessary stress that comes from taking more than what you can handle.
Prioritize what matters
When you stop saying yes mindlessly to everything that comes your way; you can actually focus on what really matters. We all have limited time energy and resources so why not choose it wisely? Saying no allow us to choose between what we really want and what we are compelling ourselves to do. This opens an opportunity to use our time and energy on ourselves rather than giving it all out and not keeping anything for us.
Establishes boundaries
When we say no we set very clear expectations of us to people. It helps them to understand what they can and can not ask us for. Healthy boundaries allows us to help and support others without having to compromise our own well-being. That’s why setting up these boundaries are essential for our betterment. By communicating our limitations, we create a space for ourselves which prevents burnout.
Reduces resentment
When this habit of saying yes to everyone dilutes our boundaries and overloads us with unnecessary stress; it’s obvious to feel resentment towards the person who made request. That’s why while saying no is difficult but it saves the relationship in longer run. Saying no simply means that you honor your needs as much as you do for others; so that you don’t just keep pushing yourself at the end of your priority list. When we oblige to others at the cost of our own self-care, we end up feeling unfair for ourselves and bitter for the other person. Saying no saves you from both of these unpleasant emotions.
When you should say no
– If you feel uncomfortable in saying yes because the request made doesn’t align with your values.
– When you are overworked already and you don’t need another reason to push you towards burnout.
– If you feel obligated in saying yes. It simply means you are pressuring yourself into saying yes which ideally you shouldn’t. Respect your boundaries and stick to them.
– If saying yes will prevent you from doing something else which is more important to you.
How should you say no
Be clear
“I am sorry, but I can’t do this right now.” It’s advisable to set your limitations very clear. If your schedule is already packed, let the other person know.
Express gratitude
“Thanks for asking, but I can’t make it tonight.” It’s good to express that you are thankful for the invite or the opportunity rather than just saying a no.
Provide alternative
“I can’t do this but I can do that.” It’s fine to agree to a part of the request if not the whole. Lesser commitments are better if you can’t take up the full load.
Take your time
“Let me think about it.” Buying yourself sometime lets you review your schedule or other options. It also helps you to understand whether you really want to say yes or not. Taking a pause is always better than jumping on saying yes.
Be assertive
“I am not comfortable doing this.” Don’t need to be apologetic or defensive. Just state it clearly that the said request is not comfortable to you and if there is anything else that you can help with.
Be straightforward
No point beating around the bush or giving random excuses. You don’t have to always explain the reason behind your ‘no’. Just a polite and firm no is all you need.
You have a responsibility towards yourself. Your self-care is just as important as your work commitments and social life. Saying no creates a balance between your well-being and others needs by setting appropriate boundaries. And these boundaries are key to your mental health.
“It’s only by saying NO that you can concentrate on the things that are really important.” – Steve Jobs