How do you picture an angry person? Someone raising their voice, slamming doors, or lashing out. Likewise, when we think of conflict, we imagine heated arguments, harsh words, or visible disagreements. It’s loud, obvious, and hard to miss. But what about those who avoid direct conflict? Don’t we mistake them for being calm, composed, or even emotionally mature? Just because they don’t yell, we assume they’re peaceful. Yet not all anger is loud, and not all conflict is visible. Welcome to the confusing world of passive aggression.
This kind of anger doesn’t shout. Rather, it’s hidden behind sarcasm, indirect remarks, or silent treatment. It’s hard to recognise because nothing was said. And it’s confusing because action and words don’t match.
Someone may say they are not upset while replying coldly, or making subtle comments, which reveal their resentment.
This form of aggression is more damaging to relationships than direct conflicts. Because it remains unspoken and unresolved.
What Is Passive Aggression?
In simple words, passive aggression is an indirect expression of anger. Instead of communicating feelings openly, a person expresses them through subtle behaviours and actions.
For example, instead of saying openly, “I was hurt when you cancelled our plan“. They would reply coldly with one-word answers or make hurtful comments disguised as jokes.
The message is the same: ‘I am angry or hurt‘, but it is communicated indirectly rather than through honest communication.
At its core, the person isn’t avoiding an argument; they are avoiding talking directly about the problem.
Unlike direct anger, passive aggression is confusing and creates emotional tension. Open anger can be resolved. People talk, they argue and clear the air. The conflict can be addressed.
Passive aggression leaves little to no scope for resolution. The issue is never openly acknowledged, which leaves the other person guessing what is wrong.
As a result, misunderstanding grows, tension lingers, and emotional distance begins to develop.
What Passive Aggression Looks Like
Passive-aggressive behaviour is tricky to spot because it’s often hidden behind politeness, silence, or even a smile. Some common signs are:
Silent Treatment
Instead of talking openly about what went wrong, they become emotionally distant. Like, after an argument, a person may ignore calls for days while insisting nothing is wrong.
Sarcasm and Backhanded Comments
Making hurtful remarks disguised as jokes. Comments such as, “Wow, you finally remembered”, said with a smile. Or “Must be nice to have so much free time”. When confronted, the person may dismiss it by saying, “I was only joking.”
Saying “I’m Fine” When Clearly Upset
A person may repeatedly say that they are not angry, but their behaviour is just the opposite. They may become cold, unresponsive or irritable, leaving others confused.
Intentional Procrastination or Delay
Agreeing to do something but repeatedly postponing it. For example, a partner who feels unappreciated may delay a chore without explaining the real reason.
Subtle Criticism
Expressing resentment through casual remarks or teasing. “Some people actually arrive on time,” sounds like a casual comment but conveys disappointment or criticism without directly addressing the concern.
Withholding Affection or Cooperation
Instead of expressing hurt, a person may withdraw emotionally. They become less affectionate or unwilling to help. The withdrawal becomes a way of expressing anger.
Quietly Excluding Others
Leaving someone out of plans, conversations or decisions as a way of punishing them. Like, intentionally leaving someone out of an email thread, or stopping inviting them to a social gathering.
Agreeing Verbally, Resisting Behaviourally
Saying yes, but never following through. They may agree to attend an event or help with something, only to delay or avoid it altogether.
Playing the Victim
Instead of acknowledging their own feelings or actions, a person may portray themselves as the victim. Like saying, “I guess I am the only bad person”.
In all of these behaviours, anger is expressed indirectly and more often in a confusing manner. Well, on the surface, these actions may seem harmless, but they can create some serious friction in relationships.
Why Do People Become Passive Aggressive?
More often, passive aggression is a learned behaviour for dealing with difficult emotions.
Fear of Conflict
Some people are uncomfortable speaking up. They worry that expressing their feelings will lead to an argument or, worse, rejection. So instead of speaking honestly, they keep their feelings to themselves.
But suppressed emotions don’t disappear. They come out in unhealthier forms. Sarcasm. Withdrawal. Silent treatment.
In their mind, it’s a safe approach. They can express their anger without having to fight. But in reality, in trying to avoid conflict, they end up creating a different kind of conflict, the one that is more confusing and much harder to address.
Learned Behaviour
Many people grow up in families where anger is discouraged or even punished. They may have been told to ‘be nice’, or ‘keep the peace’, even when they were upset.
A child raised in such an environment learns to hide their emotions, especially the negative ones. So, they learn to express them indirectly through indirect comments or by becoming emotionally distant.
This learned behaviour continues into adulthood and becomes the default way of dealing with difficult emotions.
Feeling Powerless
Passive aggression can also stem from feeling powerless. When people believe they have no control over a situation or feel that their opinions don’t matter, they may stop expressing themselves openly.
Instead, they start expressing indirectly. Like ignoring requests or pretending to forget. These actions feel like taking control back.
For example, a teen who is constantly told what to wear or when to study may say okay to everything. But later claim they didn’t hear.
Low Self-esteem
People with low self-esteem often struggle to express their feelings openly. They may believe that their feelings don’t matter. Or they fear that they will be judged for sharing their opinions. Hence, they stay silent, even when something bothers them.
But their hurt still comes out in subtle acts of resentment. Like, a friend may not say anything when they are excluded from plans, but later they ignore group chats.
Since they aren’t confident enough to say ‘I felt left out’. So they express it indirectly, hoping someone would notice.
Lack of Communication Skills
Passive aggression can also be a lack of the communication skills needed to express feelings honestly. Some people simply don’t know how to talk about difficult feelings. So, they avoid direct discussions and use passive behaviour instead.
For example, an employee who feels overworked may struggle to speak up about it. Instead, they use indirect gestures. Like, stop volunteering for tasks, or responding curtly to emails.
Their behaviour signals resentment, but the real issue stays unspoken.
Need to Appear “Nice”
People who want to maintain a good image don’t want people to see them as difficult. They worry that if they express their feelings honestly, it will ruin their ‘nice’ image. So they stay agreeable on the surface, even when they feel frustrated beneath.
For instance, they may agree to do a favour that they actually don’t want to. But later do it half heartedly, or complain indirectly.
How Passive Aggression Damages Relationships
Healthy relationships are based on trust, honesty and open communication. Passive aggression weakens all of these.
Erodes Trust and Intimacy
Trust grows when people feel safe enough to express their thoughts and feelings truthfully. Passive aggression does the opposite. When words and actions don’t match, it becomes difficult to know what the other person truly means.
Over time, people stop feeling emotionally safe with each other. And the relationship begins to lose trust and intimacy.
Resentment Builds on Both sides
Passive aggression creates resentment for both people involved. While a person who is expressing indirectly feels unheard or even misunderstood. While the other person feels blamed for something they don’t even understand.
Because the real issue is never discussed openly, the resentment continues to build. This slowly weakens the relationship.
Creates Misunderstandings and Tension
When communication becomes a guessing game, misunderstanding develops. When one person says, ‘nothing wrong’, the other will try to interpret the unspoken behaviour. And since they are guessing instead of knowing, they often assume the wrong thing.
This eventually makes the situation worse. What could have been resolved through a simple talk turns into confusion and unnecessary tension.
Emotionally Exhausting for Everyone Involved
Living with passive aggression is emotionally exhausting for both people involved. While one person spends energy hiding feelings, the other spends energy trying to figure out what’s wrong. As a result, they both end up feeling frustrated.
They may start avoiding conversations because it’s too draining. And slowly, instead of coming closer, they drift apart.
Relationships aren’t damaged over one big fight; they are worn down by small hurts that are never talked about.
How to Respond to Passive Aggression
Dealing with passive aggression can be frustrating and confusing. The key is to encourage open communication.
Stay Calm, Not Reactive
Passive aggression often invites emotional reaction. Responding with anger will only escalate the situation. Instead, stay calm and respond thoughtfully rather than impulsively.
Address the Behaviour, Not the Person
Instead of blaming the person, point out the behaviour instead. Let what you observe.
“You seem upset. Is something bothering you?”
This opens the door to conversation by replacing blame with curiosity.
Encourage Open Communication
Ask open-ended questions like, “Let me hear what’s on your mind”. Listen without interruption, or try not to defend yourself.
Sometimes people express indirectly because they don’t feel safe or comfortable speaking openly.
Set Healthy Boundaries
If the behaviour continues, be honest about how it affects you. Being understanding doesn’t mean to accept unhealthy behaviour indefinitely.
Explain clearly what kind of communication you expect:
“I’m happy to discuss this, but let’s be honest with each other.“
Don’t Play the Guessing Game
Don’t spend hours trying to figure out what their behaviour actually means. Instead of making assumptions, just ask them directly what they are trying to communicate.
If they say nothing is wrong, accept their decision and leave the door open to communication. “Let’s talk when you are ready.”
Know When to Step Away
If passive aggression becomes frequent, manipulative or emotionally draining, despite repeated efforts to communicate, it’s time to take a step back.
Healthy relationships require honesty and openness from both sides.
Break the Passive Aggressive Pattern Within Yourself
Recognising passive aggression in yourself is the first step toward change.
Name Your Emotions
Passive aggression builds when emotions go unacknowledged. You might feel upset but not know why. At such times, take a pause and ask yourself, ‘Am I angry, disappointed, hurt or ignored?’
Putting a name to your feelings makes it easier to express them directly.
Practice Saying What You Need
People are not mind readers. If something bothers you, express it clearly instead of expecting others to figure it out.
Open and clear communications prevent misunderstandings. They open doors to trust and mutual understanding.
Challenge the Fear
People don’t speak up openly because they fear they might upset the other person, which might result in an argument. But what they usually forget is that avoiding arguments doesn’t protect relationships; honest conversations do.
You might feel you are maintaining peace by keeping quiet. But in reality, unspoken feelings create bigger problems.
Passive aggression may feel like the easier path in the moment, but it will cost you the very thing you are trying to protect – a peaceful and healthy relationship.
You can not build a healthy relationship by avoiding conflict. Passive aggression may avoid uncomfortable conversation today, but it creates a much bigger distance tomorrow.
"Unspoken emotions never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways." - Sigmund Freud