Can you forgive someone who has broken your trust? Is it really possible to forgive the one who has caused you pain? And most importantly, why should you forgive anyway? If you’ve ever wondered how to forgive, these are probably the very questions running through your mind.
You are a human after all. And isn’t this selfless act of forgiveness meant only for altruist? Isn’t forgiving someone means to open way to get hurt again? Does forgiveness make us an emotional fool who is ready to take it all again?
No. Forgiveness isn’t any of that. In fact forgiveness is not selfless, rather it’s selfish. But how? What is forgiveness really?
What Exactly Is Forgiveness?
Forgiveness is an act of freeing yourself from the hurt, pain, anger, and resentment that someone else has caused you. Because these emotions are causing you harm.
It is when you decide to stop holding on to grudges and channel all your energy inwards. Forgive them because you will not waste your strength trying to get even with them. Rather, you will focus that strength on transforming yourself.
Learning how to forgive is not about forgetting what happened. It is about learning how to free yourself from the pain that still follows you.
Because you deserve to move on.
Why Is It So Hard To Forgive?
Before learning how to forgive, we first need to understand why forgiveness is so difficult.
Because We Fear That Forgiveness Makes us Vulnerable
So, we were wronged, and we felt pain and anger. Anger towards the person who caused us pain. And now we are holding on to that anger as our armour, believing that it will shield us from more pain.
We fear that if we drop this armour, we will make way for people to throw more stones at us. But how is this anger helping us anyway? How does it affect the lives of others? Do they even realise that we are still angry?
And even if they do, what changes? Nothing.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean you are overlooking their actions. It doesn’t mean you are willing to be taken advantage of. It means you are freeing yourself from the fear of vulnerability.
It’s a sign that you have grown emotionally and have learned from the experience.
Because We Believe That to Forgive We Have to Forget
So, does forgiving someone mean leaving the past behind, pretending that nothing ever happened, and forgetting all about it? No.
It’s not as if you have excused them for the harm they caused you. You are not giving them a signal that you are completely okay with what happened. And you won’t forget the lessons you have learned from the experience.
Rather, you are freeing yourself from feeling miserable. Because that is how you evolve. You will always remember the lessons that transformed you, built your character, and strengthened your confidence and resilience.
Because We Mistook Forgiveness for Acceptance
Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that you have accepted what happened or come to terms with it. It simply means that you have decided not to waste your strength on a childish tit-for-tat game. You are not going to return the harm they caused you.
Because forgiveness frees you from grudges and the cycle of revenge. So instead of focusing on them, you channel your energy into making something productive and meaningful out of your own life.
Because Its Not Time Yet
Wounds take time to heal. You are not ready to move on because it still hurts. And that’s okay. There is no rush, and there is no timeline. You need time to process your emotions, to feel them, and to accept them.
Most importantly, you don’t need to forgive until you feel it’s the right thing to do.
You just need to keep trying to move forward and live your life. The moment of forgiveness will come on its own. As time passes, the hurt will begin to ease, and you will no longer feel the resentment.
Why Should You Forgive Anyway?
Before learning how to forgive, let’s first understand why forgiveness is worth choosing in the first place.
Because You Don’t Need an Apology to Forgive
Forgiveness is an act centred around you. You don’t forgive for the other person; you forgive for yourself. Even if they don’t realise, or don’t care about, how you felt, you do care about how you feel.
You are not going to stay there waiting for an apology to recover from the hurt. Because you are ready to move forward. Letting go isn’t their choice but yours. Maybe they don’t deserve your forgiveness, but you do deserve peace of mind.
Because You Want to Break Free From Pain
You no longer want to be chained to those heavy feelings. Rather, you want to break free and live in the present. You don’t want to stay hooked to the past and relive those painful moments again and again.
Instead, you want to leave it all behind because it is draining your energy. You want to come out of that spiral of negative thoughts and become emotionally and mentally stronger.
Because You Don’t Have to Reconcile With the Person
You may choose to forgive them and never want to see them again. They don’t even need to know that you have forgiven them. By forgiving, you are simply freeing yourself from bitterness and anguish because these feelings are preventing you from enjoying the present.
Forgiveness is not, by any means, an invitation to reconcile. Whether you want to trust that person again is entirely up to you. It is an internal process and has nothing to do with the person you forgive.
Because You Need Your Power Back
Because you are no longer a victim. Maybe you were vulnerable when you were wronged, but you’re not today. So you won’t keep reminding yourself how helpless you were back then.
Instead, you will come back even stronger, with your focus entirely on writing your own story. You won’t be bothered by the person who wronged you. You will only care about what lies ahead.
How To Forgive And Let Go
Learning how to forgive begins by forgiving yourself.
Start by Forgiving Yourself
Yes, it starts with you. Because the bitterness in your heart is not entirely for the other person. Some of it is directed towards you as well. Because it’s not only about what they did to you, but also about what you let happen to yourself.
So first, forgive yourself for not acting the way you wish you had. Forgive yourself for trusting too much or being too soft. For making a wrong decision. And for feeling helpless.
Because to move on, you first need to break the chain of negative self-talk. Your compassion starts with you.
Address Your Emotions
Negative experiences and setbacks bring a whole range of emotions with them. You cannot simply ignore them with positive self-affirmations. You can’t keep telling yourself, “It was all in the past, and now I’m looking forward. I don’t want to feel the anger or bitterness because I am a happy and positive person.” No, it doesn’t work that way.
You need to be honest with yourself. Healing cannot be rushed; it’s a process that everyone has to go through. So instead of taking the shortcut of avoidance, give yourself the time you need.
At the same time, instead of focusing only on your emotions, bring your attention to the lessons as well.
Protect Yourself First
Forgiveness isn’t complete unless you protect yourself from future hurt. You cannot forgive if you leave yourself open to repeated mistreatment. In fact, you may need to strengthen your boundaries instead of lowering them.
Forgiveness is like a cleansing process, where you are trying to let go of every thought or emotion that is causing you harm. But before that, you need to take the lesson with you into the future.
Learning how to forgive is, in many ways, a selfish act – one that is entirely centred around you. An act that is solely for your betterment. An act that nurtures your physical, mental, and emotional well-being.
"It's not an easy journey, to get to a place where you forgive people. But it is such a powerful place, because it frees you." - Tyler Perry