Anger can take many forms. A couple of generations ago it was in form of physical punishment. It was very common and socially acceptable for parents to hit their kids. Nowadays, corporal punishments have been replaced by yelling at kids. A new form of discipline which is mistakenly believed to be much better than hitting. But just because we believe so, or may be taught so, it doesn’t mean it is any less damaging.
And when it comes to yelling, it’s usually more at the parent’s end than at the child. Their behaviour mostly is not the prime reason that we yell. It mostly arises from our own stressors.
Why are Parents Yelling at Kids
Sensory Overload
So basically, sensory overload happens when your five senses take in more information than your brain can process.
Our senses are working 24×7 behind the scenes. Non-stop chatter, flashing lights, crowds, and media—there is simply too much information for our senses to absorb. Sensory overload is very common and can happen at any time in our lives.
But before parenting, we had time for ourselves. We had time to recharge and take a break. Our nights were quiet. We could sleep with all the lights off and spend our mornings surrounded by the calming sounds of nature.
Which is obviously less common now. That’s the reason, we feel overwhelmed and exhausted by sensorial experiences. And when it gets too much, we yell. And sadly our kids becomes the soft target.
We Want to be Heard
Kids are distracted, and we are overloaded. Yelling at kids often becomes our way of pulling them out of their own world and getting them to pay attention to us. We yell because we want to be heard.
When we believe that we have a valid point and are being intentionally ignored, misunderstood, or invalidated, our brain yells internally, “I am making sense!” So you must listen to me.
That’s why, the more we want to emphasise our point, the more we raise our voice.
That’s What we Have Learnt
Parenting is intergenerational, which means earlier generations psychologically influence the parenting attitudes of the next generation.
When we were kids, spanking, yelling at kids, and punishment were all considered essential parts of discipline. Those who didn’t use such harsh measures were often ridiculed for raising spoilt children.
And unconsciously, even unintentionally, our parenting style has adopted many of these approaches. We may have replaced hitting with yelling at kids because we consider it less harsh.
Why We Should Stop Yelling at Kids
It Doesn’t Work
Kids cannot learn in fight-or-flight mode. Yelling at kids is nothing but an expression of anger, and to a child, it feels threatening.
Fight-or-flight mode is the brain’s psychological response to a perceived threat. During this state, the brain shuts down functions that are not essential for protection and survival. Learning is one of them.
For a child, a screaming adult is threatening. And when children are scared, the learning centre of their brain shuts down.
That is why calm and peaceful communication is the only way to teach, because when kids feel safe they are more receptive.
Yelling is New Spanking
While many of us might think yelling at kids is much softer, and therefore more acceptable, than physical punishment, the fact is that it can be just as emotionally harmful. It can also have many of the same negative effects.
Children who are constantly yelled at may develop behavioural and emotional issues similar to those seen in children who experience physical punishment. In fact, yelling at kids can be even more harmful when it is accompanied by shame and blame.
It Worsens Behaviour Problem
Yelling solves the problem only momentarily. A child might behave as expected out of fear, but that doesn’t mean their behaviour has changed for good. Rather, they may feel devalued and lose all motivation to improve their behaviour.
Additionally, our brain processes negative experiences more strongly than positive ones. So frequent yelling at kids can even influence the way the brain develops.
In neither case does yelling improve behavioural issues in children.
Can Lead to Emotional Problems
Kids feel hurt, anxious, and sad when parents yell at them. This form of verbal abuse can cause deep emotional wounds that children may carry into adulthood.
Children often absorb anxiety from their parents, and the more parents yell, the more this anxiety can grow. Moreover, recurrent yelling at kids can also hamper a child’s self-esteem because they begin to see themselves negatively.
This low self-esteem can become one of the biggest hurdles to their achievements and social connections.
Interfere with Bonding
Children cannot feel connected until they feel safe and secure. Yelling at kids makes them withdraw from their parents. As parents, we are their first teachers, and yelling teaches them to fear us.
Our kids need our support and understanding, and yelling does just the opposite. They feel disconnected and, as a result, don’t open up to share their lives with us.
They prefer to keep their distance because our presence no longer feels comforting.
Makes Child Vulnerable
Another harmful effect of yelling at kids is that a child may either become more susceptible to bullying or become a bully themselves.
One of the psychological effects of yelling is that children become fearful, and this fear is reflected in their social interactions as well. They may become submissive because their understanding of self-respect is distorted. Or they may start picking on others because they want to feel better about themselves.
Alternatives to Raising Voice at Kids
Self-awareness
Of course, yelling at kids doesn’t come out of the blue. There is usually something running in the background that simply comes out in this form. And almost any trigger can make you yell.
So maybe you are not yelling because of the spilled milk; it’s the upcoming deadline that is driving you crazy. The key is to identify both your stressors and your triggers, which will naturally vary from person to person.
Recognising these patterns will help you stay proactive in situations that make you yell.
Make a List of ‘Yes’, ‘No’ and ‘May Be’
We all want our kids to be well-behaved and respect boundaries. But we also need to ask ourselves if we are pushing them too hard against those boundaries. It is unreasonable and unfair to say “no” practically all the time.
So let’s first learn to say “yes.” Make a list of the things where there is no harm in saying yes – things where your child can and should make decisions on their own. This is your “yes” list.
Next, list all the things where you can negotiate and reach a mutual agreement – your “maybe” list. And finally, create the smallest list of all – the “no” list. These are the non-negotiables. For example, a sleepover at a friend’s house when no parents are at home.
So the idea is picking your battles, so as to avoid any chance of unnecessary arguments. Lesser the arguments, lesser the instances of yelling. And more importantly, it’s a healthy way of setting boundaries and expectations.
Involve Kids in Setting Rules
When kids are involved in setting rules, they understand why those rules are needed. Hence, they accept them better. Giving them a say means we welcome their opinions on the matter.
Thus, they learn to take responsibility for the behaviour they themselves have agreed upon. And when this whole process of setting rules feels fair to them, they are more likely to follow the rules.
Differentiate Between Behaviour and Emotions
Often, behavioural issues are nothing but a distorted expression of underlying emotions. Kids have a limited emotional vocabulary, and many times they are unable to understand or express how they feel.
But as parents, we can help them identify and address their emotional needs. So instead of reacting only to the behaviour, let’s respond with empathy and try to understand the emotions behind it.
Listen to Your Child Without Judgement
Be an active listener to your child. Listen to their stories, problems, concerns, thoughts, and feelings. Pay your undivided attention to them and ask relevant questions. Make them feel heard and understood.
Give them an environment where they feel safe and comfortable expressing themselves. When we work proactively on communication, we build trust and deepen our connection with them.
And when children feel connected and understood, they are more likely to cooperate.
Understand What is Normal Behaviour
Before even calling a behaviour problematic, we first need to understand what normal behaviour looks like. For example, asking for more freedom, challenging boundaries, and exploring new interests are all typical behaviours of a growing child.
Many times, we as parents confuse these normal behaviours with problems. So before we start disciplining our kids using harsh measures, it’s imperative that we first educate ourselves.
Use Consequences but Leave out Threats
Threats are dictatorial. Threats are pointless. Because most of the time, they don’t make sense.
For example, “If you don’t clean your room, I won’t make pasta for dinner.” And what exactly is the connection between the two?
That’s what threats are – an outburst of anger. A form of punishment that has no logical connection to the behaviour involved.
Consequences, on the other hand, are logical. Like in the above example, the child will not get pasta for dinner because they have already finished an entire packet of chips. So the consequence is vegetables for dinner.
Consequences are directly related to the child’s behaviour. They may or may not involve a parent. For example, if they don’t keep their room clean, they might lose something important. That, in turn, teaches them the importance of keeping their belongings organised.
Take Care of Yourself
Stress can take many forms. It may come out as yelling at kids, or it may stay hidden as a headache, only to surface later in a more severe form.
Parenting is demanding. It’s a serious responsibility. So it’s crucial that you take care of yourself. Because a burnt-out version of you can be damaging to your child.
Nurture your physical, mental, and emotional well-being. Eat well, sleep well, give yourself breaks, indulge in a hobby, share responsibilities, and spend time with friends.
Yelling not only hurt the child, but it also makes you feel terrible afterwards. Hence it is important to respond thoughtfully rather than impulsively react.
"The way we talk to our children become their inner voice." - Peggy O'mara