Buddha once asked his disciple, “If a person is struck by an arrow, is it painful?” The student replied “Yes.” Buddha then asked, “If he is struck by a second arrow, is it even more painful?” Student replied, “Yes, it is.” Buddha then explained, “In life we cannot always control the first arrow. However, the second arrow is our reaction to the first. And with this second arrow comes the possibility of choice.”
In this popular parable, the first arrow represents the event which causes pain and second arrow is what our mind does in response to it. And that is our response to the pain causing event which brings in even more suffering.
Why Does Second Arrow Hurt More
Resistance
That’s the most common response to pain. We either pretend that everything is fine or we deny by telling ourselves that ‘I shouldn’t feel this way’. Practices like distracting ourselves or ignorance might work on the physical pain but it doesn’t work on emotional pain. And because emotional pain is more intense than the physical one, we tend to resist it even more.
To resist we engage ourselves in distracting behaviors. For example, overworking so there is no time to feel the pain. Or engross ourselves in social media, hoping it would draw us away from the painful reality. But these temporary distractions don’t ease out the pain, they only suppress it, they only prolong it. That’s how we end up creating the second arrow ourselves.
Unaddressed Emotions
The second arrow hurts even more because the pain of first arrow was left unaddressed. Those unpleasant emotions were repressed to meet an unrealistic expectation which is ‘to stay happy always’
This false assurance and denial of valid emotions doesn’t let the grief take it’s course. Every emotion needs to be dealt with, no matter how painful it is. Avoiding them is like you are hiding from yourself. And running from oneself is never an option.
Expectation vs Reality
Everyone expects things to happen in a certain way, people to behave in a certain manner, life to take a certain course. But most of the times reality is far from what we had hoped for. And with this mismatch comes disappointment.
That’s why when the first arrow strike us, the very first thought that comes to our mind is ‘this can not happen’ or ‘it’s not fair’. All because we are so attached to our expectations that we don’t want to accept the reality. This prevent us from taking the best action or making the best decision.
Little Learning From Little Kids
How does a little kid’s sickness is different from an adult’s? For kids physical discomfort remains at physical level only. But for us it takes a toll on our complete mental and emotional well being. Our physical sickness often brings in frustration or even anger. ‘Why me?’, ‘Why does it had to happen at this time?’, ‘This is wrong!‘
While our thoughts trap us in a vicious cycle, children on the other hand are dealing with sickness only. They play till they exhaust themselves and rest when they feel unwell. It’s not like they enjoy being sick, they are simply staying with the moment itself.
And that is how little kids deal only with the first arrow not the second one.
How to Ease Your Emotional Pain
Acknowledge
First and foremost, notice the first arrow. Acknowledge that there is pain. Allow yourself to feel it. Be aware of your other emotional response to the pain causing event. Notice the pattern of resisting behaviours.
To accept something doesn’t mean that you approve of it, it means that you stop fighting it’s existence.
Address
Next step is a little introspection around your resentment. Understand the source of your second arrow. Ask yourself, ‘Why do I feel this way?”
It’s our thoughts that influence our emotions, so paying attention to what we are thinking gives us a clue to why we are feeling in a certain way. Emotions are confusing. Many a times emotions jumble up together and it takes conscious attentiveness to isolate them.
Act
Irrespective of what situation you are in or what problem you’re facing, the very first action that you need it ‘self compassion‘. So, instead of beating yourself up, allow yourself to be a human.
So next time, when you prepare yourself to face a tough situation, start with a little act of kindness towards yourself.
Practising mindfulness helps you to handle difficult emotions and painful thoughts. It softens your response to painful experience while extending compassion towards yourself.
The first arrow may be unavoidable, but the second arrow is where you have a choice. Be gentle with yourself.
" Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own unguarded thoughts." - Buddha