As we live through different stages of life, we experience a range of emotions. And all these emotions are as natural as breathing. Emotions themselves are neutral, they aren’t good or bad. Though certain emotions like anger, despair or fear are inconvenient to address. And they can strongly affect our well-being if they are not dealt with in a healthy way. These unaddressed emotions are not only harmful to us but to others around us.
That is why it’s crucial to create a healthy coping mechanism around such uncomfortable emotions and learn to manage them effectively.
Rejecting Emotions vs Acknowledging them
In attempt to stay positive, our first attempt is to reject any emotion that makes us feel awful. But sadly ‘out of sight is out mind’ doesn’t work in case of emotions. Because by ignoring emotions we aren’t making them disappear, rather we are suppressing them. Or even worse, cultivating them. And these subdued emotions are only going to burst out in a very wrong way at the very wrong time. They are going to have a terrible effect on your mental, physical and emotional well-being. They will cause stress related illness like sleep disorder, muscular pain, irritability etc.
No matter how terrible an emotion might make you feel, you have to honor that it exists. Every feeling matters, every emotion needs to be processed. And once you start listening to yourself, you will begin to understand why do you feel that way. Because emotions are for a reason. There are always underlying cause behind them which needs be addressed. And once you have acknowledged what you feel, you can work on what will help you feel better.
Quick Coping Mechanism vs Giving Time to Heal
We all want quick relief from pain and a rough phase to end soon. No one wants to stay in a state of misery and on top of that we don’t really have time to process our emotions, especially if they are uncomfortable. We live in a age of instant gratification. Food delivery on 10 minutes, TV shows without commercial breaks; there are countless options of momentary pleasure which can easily distract us from our true feelings. And yes, they give a quick much needed relief too. But in actual they don’t address the underlying need to heal completely.
Healing is a process that cannot be rushed. Grief takes its own course and its own time. Yes, as different people, we have different coping skills. And recovery time would vary from person to person. But everyone has to go through every stage of healing, it’s inevitable. And no matter how frustrating it could be, none if these stages can be skipped. Taking a short cut like distraction, overworking or avoidance would only elongate this process. Pushing yourself might be beneficial when trying to reach your goals, but it doesn’t work while recovering from a loss. So instead of pressing yourself towards positivity, give yourself enough time to gather yourself.
Denial vs Awareness
It’s very easy to accept good things in life; but when it comes to criticism or disapproval, it’s not easy to accept. Though denial can make us feel good about ourselves but in actual it prevents self-growth. Because it averts us from seeing who we rare, what we really want and taking responsibility for others around us. We all are work in progress, neither good or bad. And this denial is a roadblock in our journey of self discovery. Because without acceptance there can be no transformation. Acknowledging our imperfect opens the door to work on them, so we can become a better version of ourselves.
And that is where self awareness helps you grow. An ability to understand your true self, your emotions and thus your behaviour. It’s a practice to bring your focus inwards, so you are not overwhelmed by bottled up emotions. Self awareness is foundation of emotional regulation. When we understand the relationship between how we feel and how we behave; we can regulate our emotions better. Self-awareness helps you to identify each and every emotion that you experience and understand the cause behind it. So you can monitor your emotional reactions.
Using Blame vs Taking Responsibility
We humans consciously or unconsciously make judgement about others. And blaming provides us a way to devalue others, thus making us feel superior. By putting blame on others for our own feelings, we basically defend our own ego and unload our emotional pain to others. But in actual we are the only one who can control how we feel and how we react, because feelings are coming from inside and not outside. And by disowning our emotions we are simply denying our repressed feelings. Actions of others are mere a trigger that simply cause your painful emotions to resurface. While in actual the real reason could be something deeply rooted within.
When it comes to feelings, every ‘you‘ should be replaced with an ‘I‘. So for example, ‘you make me angry’ becomes ‘I am angry’. That is the first step to take responsibility of your own feelings. Second step is to separate yourself from your emotions. Your emotions are a result of the experience you have had in present or past. They are reactions to what you have been through or are going through. And these reactions don’t form your identity. Just like qualities and flaws, we have a mix of sweet and sour emotions inside too. And like our flaws these emotions should be owned by us only.
Emotions at times can be overwhelming. But the key is to regulate them instead of being controlled by them.
"Feel the feeling but don't become the emotion. Witness it. Allow it. Release it." - Crystal Andrus