We all have a voice inside of us, sometimes as faint as a whisper and sometimes as loud as a thunder. Which we usually refer to it as our conscience or inner compass. So what does this voice inside your head often tells you? Is it wrapped up with criticism, discouragement and self-doubt? Do you always feel that this person living inside of you is pulling you down instead of lifting you up? If the answer is yes, then the one who is sabotaging your own-self is no one else but YOU. And what you are doing to yourself is the most destructive act towards yourself known as Self-bullying.
What is Self-bullying?
Self bullying is an act of overly criticising yourself, to undervalue your worth and insulting yourself with repetitive negative self talks. It happens when you keep pushing yourself no matter how much your body and mind is asking for a break. And occurs when you label yourself as unattractive while looking in the mirror. Not just that but when you fail to recognise your talent because you pay more attention to your flaws. And finally, when you call yourself a ‘loser’ in your mind even before taking the first step in actual.
How are you bullying yourself
Self-blame
“Only if I had …”, “If I were more ….”, “Had I not….”, is it your first response whenever something goes wrong? And does this self-blame actually helps or does it make you feel even worse? I guess in most of the cases it feels terrible. Because though reviewing your actions is highly beneficial but always pointing a finger at yourself can turn out to be destructive.
Not appreciating your strengths
We all are perfectly imperfect. You are defined by both your strengths and weaknesses. For every step you take their would always be opposing forces to put you down. And while it’s absolutely okay to be calculative and cautious of that next step, but constantly reminding yourself that you are incapable of taking that leap, is damaging.
Doing everything yourself
Yes, we all have to wear multiple hats. And that is how we take up different roles that life has to offer. However, the problem arises when you try to take up every single responsibility by yourself. For instance, lack of delegation practice in office will make you overworked. Likeise, not asking for help at home, will make you do it all alone. This practice henceforth will burn you out and leave you overwhelmed.
Being too self-critic
Criticism is not motivating, praises are. Stop confusing criticism with feedback. While criticism is focussed on problem, feedback on the other hand is focused on solution. In fact, criticism is a judgemental act based on merits and demerits. Being too self-critical leads you to believe that you are not good enough. Ultimately undermining your self-worth.
Over-personalisation
Over-personalization is an act of taking everything personally, even if it is completely unrelated to you. For example it could be an act of blaming yourself for something that is completely out of your control. Or otherwise, a thought process where you take any random situation and turn it all about you. Basically, it’s a chronic habit of worrying about what people think of you. And when someone behaves in a certain way, you instantly jump to the conclusion that you must have done something wrong.
Perfectionism
Perfectionists holds impossibly high standards for themselves leaving no room for errors. This attitude accepts nothing less than perfect and ‘almost there‘ is considered as a failure. If you are a perfectionist, then you are living under a constant fear of not meeting the goal perfectly. Further, this will turn into procrastination because you won’t be able to start anything unless you know exactly how to do it perfectly. At last you will end up with piled up tasks and unmet goals. That’s why perfectionists achieve less and stress more.
Catastrophizing
Catastrophizing is imagining the worst possible outcome of any given situation. Like if someone has a headache you start to imagine all possible neuro diseases that might have happened. Or if your work report isn’t flawless, you imagine getting kicked out of the job. This exaggerated negative thinking brings you unsought stress.
Black and white thinking
It’s a tendency to think in extremes. Either you are an achiever or a loser. You don’t give any credit to anything falling in between. This thinking negatively hurts your self-image as it becomes extremely difficult to forgive yourself for any mistake you make.
How to silence the bully within you
Pay attention to your feelings
How does it feel to be criticised? Offended? Hurt? Embarrassed? Do you like to be judged? Do you like to be reminded of your weaknesses all the time? How does it feel to be blamed? Think about it. You have feelings, your body has feelings, your conscience has feelings. Once you start to acknowledge your feelings, you’ll stop hurting them.
Stop comparing yourself
Do success stories of high achievers always inspire you or do you start to measure yourself in comparison to them? If you feel inspired that’s wonderful but if it makes you feel terrible then stop looking at them. You have your own journey, your own destination, your own pace. Success can not be measured by a standard scale. It’s unique for everyone. It is multidimensional. It has different meaning for different people. Define your own success.
Don’t strive for perfection
Just do enough. It’s impossible to get everything done perfectly. Because many a times there are external deciding factors which are beyond your control. So it’s advisable to focus on what you can do rather than what couldn’t be done. You can’t be a master in every skill. So learn to be happy with ‘good enough’.
Learn to say NO
It’s absolutely necessary to prioritize yourself from time to time. Your body needs break, your mind needs break. So better to start refusing those jobs that are going to make you overworked. Start delegating. Take help. It’s impossible to handle everything alone. Say no to certain requests, so that you can take out some time for yourself.
Check for accuracy
Before calling yourself names check for the absolute facts. Useless means ‘of no use’. Do you actually fit in the definition of useless? Are you seriously of no use at all? Likewise, before you call yourself unworthy, check for the facts. Are you genuinely ‘not deserving’? Have you never put any efforts? Ever? You know that’s not true. And every effort deserves an applause and the one who puts in efforts is truly worthy.
Notice your strong points
Look for the areas where you shine. List out all of your accomplishments without classifying them as big or small. Note down all your strengths and the compliments you have ever received. Read them everyday. Practice self-love affirmations.
Show grace to yourself
Forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made. No one can master a skill in a day. Give yourself kudos for trying. Celebrate every accomplishment. Don’t just look at the end goal, be mindful of the distance you have travelled so far. The hurdles you have crossed so far. Don’t push yourself mercilessly. Take breaks as and when needed. Show respect to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Smile to yourself.
We all have flaws. And everyone face failures, including the high achievers. What you tell yourself is extremely powerful. It can make or break you. And you have full control on what you say to yourself. So be gentle and considerate to yourself.
"If your compassion doesn't include you, it's incomplete" - Buddha.