Empathy has many forms; kindness, compassion, sensitivity, warmth, understanding. All of these traits that make us a better version of ourselves. Qualities that we wish to see in people around us and they wish to see in us.
In contrast to empathy is judgement. A behaviour which compels us to categorize people based on certain preconceptions, ideas and beliefs. Where we often cook half of the story in our mind before we even starting a conversation. While empathy deepens our connection with others; judgement on the other hand creates a gap in these connections.
Why do we judge others?
Judging is Natural
Humans have survived on their basic instincts and judging is one of them. For example, judging someone for their physical appearance is a natural instinct because it doesn’t require thinking. It’s a judgment that we make in a few seconds only. In fact judging is a defense mechanism that our brain applies to keep us safe. Our brain is engineered to pull back from what it doesn’t like and get close to what it does. As a result we automatically end up judging people to determine if they are safe to be with.
Judging is Learnt
Judging is also learnt through our experiences, interactions and observations. That’s why it’s also a learned behaviour. For example, many a times children grow up in a household where they are constantly compared to either siblings or neighbours. As a result, they learn to judge people based on their accomplishments. They tend to distance themselves from kids who don’t get good grades because they are ‘bad kids‘. Likewise if they have faced criticism from parents or teachers, they also eventually learnt to adopt such behaviour.
Judging Creates Hierarchy of Superiority
Judging satisfies our innate urge to feel superior. Which make us feel good about ourselves. While criticising someone, we make ourselves believe that we are better than them. Be it looks or financial status, any such comparison that boost our ego becomes our basis of judgement. Many a times we also use judging to hide our own faults. We do that by bringing our focus to the discrete advantages they have so we can turn away from our insecurities.
Let’s choose empathy over judgement
Judging is nothing but a false sense of control that we bestow upon us. It diverts our focus from self-improvement to comparison. And comparison is like a never ending race, where no matter how fast you run you can never come out as a winner. While judgement distances us from people, empathy forms meaningful connection with them.
Empathy not only improves your relationship with the world but also with your own self. It helps you regulate your own emotions as well. And above all, we human can’t live in solitary, we need each other. And being empathetic towards people around us deepness our connection with them.
How to build empathy
Focus on Similarities rather than Difference
Our brain is hardwired to be distant from those who are not like us. We tend to view people around us through the lens of ‘In-group‘ and ‘Out-group’. And our brain exhibit empathy towards people who belong to the In-group. Thus, by focusing on similarities in people around us, we can train our brain to be more empathetic towards them.
Step in their Shoes
To be empathetic towards a person you first need to understand their perspective. When you place yourself in their shoes and view the world through their eyes, you build understanding and trust among each other. Everyone has their own story, which can only be perceived when you leave behind your own presumptions and beliefs.
Acknowledge their Pain
Empathy is also an ability where you can feel their pain. Without judging their situation as insignificant or trivial; you simply acknowledge that they are in pain and need someone to hold onto.
Just Listen
With that said, don’t try to fix anything. You might not be able to or they might not be needing it. Instead just give them a listening ear, withholding any judgement. Try not to interrupt their train of thoughts. Active listening requires lots of patience. You can’t be empathetic if you lack patience.
We humans need to share our joys as well as sorrows. That’s why we all need meaningful relations in life. Empathy is one of those fine qualities that makes our presence meaningful in the life of our loved ones.
"Empathy is about finding echoes of another person in yourself " - Mohsin Hamid