What does a relationship need? Respect, loyalty, and open communication—the three pillars of a healthy connection. Respect for each other’s feelings and uniqueness; loyalty for having each other’s backs no matter what; and open communication, which is real talk, where each partner can share their thoughts and feelings without worrying about being judged or misunderstood.
And real talks involve listening, genuine listening; which creates a space of trust and openness, allowing the speaker to feel valued and acknowledged. Because in a dialogue, listening is much more important than speaking.
What is active listening?
Active listening is all about tuning in and paying attention when someone is talking. It’s not just about hearing the words; it’s about getting into the conversation and making the other person feel heard and understood. This means giving them some feedback, asking questions if you’re not sure about something, and even reflecting on what they said to show that you are on the same page.
When we listen actively, we keep the conversation flowing, which is super important in relationships where respect matters. Plus, it engages you with the other person, hence turning you into a better communicator and problem solver!
How active listening helps
Active listening helps the other person realise that their voice matters. It helps to build an understanding between individuals. When we are really into conversation, we can truly empathise with the other person. It not only strengthens the bond but also cuts down on arguments that often arise due to miscommunication. Additionally, active listening opens up the path for honest chats where people can express themselves without worrying about being judged or misunderstood. This creates an environment of trust and safety where feelings can be expressed freely. And at last, this skill helps in building closer and more trusting connections, filled with mutual respect and support, where both individuals feel valued and appreciated.
Communication pitfalls in relationships
Phubbing
Phubbing is a behaviour where people get so into their smartphones that they ignore the person they’re with. Answering calls, reading emails, checking notifications or simply scrolling through social media, there are numerous ways by which you can snub the person you are with using your phone. And that is why the name is phubbing (phone snubbing). This behaviour makes the person around feel left out which is upsetting. When you are constantly distracted by your phone during real-time conversations it is extremely infuriating and offending for the person you are conversing with.
Imagine your friend is telling you something important about their day with full excitement and you are constantly distracted by your phone. It makes your friend feel ignored, unimportant and rejected. And that is how pubbing disrupts emotional intimacy. When we let our screens take over our focus, we miss out on those genuine conversations that are extremely important for a healthy relationship.
Zoning out
Zoning out does the same thing to a conversation that phubbing does. The only difference is that instead of a screen it’s your wandering mind. This mental drift often leads to misunderstanding because the listener is unaware of what the other person is talking about. When you zone out, you may miss key points and emotional cues, which are essential to engage meaningfully in a conversation. And such communication barriers can deteriorate relationships over time because the feeling of neglect keeps accumulating in. Zoning out sends a message that ‘I have something more important or more interesting to think about, and what you are saying holds little to no value’.
Listening only to revert back
Conversation is a two-way road, we listen and we respond. And that’s how it goes on. But the problem arises when we are in such a hurry to respond that we don’t let the other person complete their sentence. Because we are formulating our response while the other person is still talking. So the focus is not on understanding but on simply reverting back. This can lead to misunderstandings and make it harder to connect. Because people get so caught up in thinking about what they want to say next they miss the whole point of the conversation.
When you’re more focused on what you want to say next, you might miss some important details in what the other person is saying, which can mess up the flow of the conversation. Plus, it can come off as impatience or like you’re not interested, since it seems like you’re only considering your own side instead of taking in their words. While chatting, it’s super important to do more than just catch the words; we should dive into the feelings and vibes behind what’s being said. Else conversation loses its purpose.
How to be an active listener
To become an active listener, the very first step is to understand how important it is to listen. And then listen with your whole heart. It’s not just about hearing the words, it’s about really soaking in what the other person is feeling and thinking. You’ve got to put in some effort to ditch distractions and pay attention to the speaker.
Be present in the moment
To ditch all the distractions while listening, the key is to be present in the moment. No distracting notifications and no background thoughts. Just be there with the speaker as you soak yourself in the words and emotions they convey. Pay full attention to them when they talk about their life, share their stories and express their emotions. Your active engagement creates a safe space for their thoughts and feelings. Ask relevant questions and encourage them to share more. Dive into their experience as if it’s happening to you. This way you get a better understanding of their ups and downs and feel compassion towards them.
Maintain eye contact
Keep your eyes on the person while they are talking. It’s a simple way of showing that you are really into conversation. Eye contact shows genuine interest, which makes the other person feel comfortable opening up about their thoughts and feelings. Plus it also shows that you respect what they are saying because not making eye contact indicates that you don’t care. When you don’t make eye contact, it leaves the other person questioning whether you are truly listening or merely lost in your own thoughts. And this leads to feelings of neglect in the conversation. Eye contact affirms your presence and commitment to what is being shared.
Be patient
Intimate conversations aren’t like news reports which can be wrapped up with bullet points in one breath. They need a bit more heart and thought. These talks take their time, digging into feelings, thoughts, and all those little details. They don’t stick to a rigid script, instead, they connect us at a deeper level. That’s why they require patience at the listener’s end. When we listen patiently, people tend to share more because they know you won’t cut them off or brush them aside.
It takes time to express emotion and comprehend what they are thinking, as emotions can be complex and deeply rooted. Everyone processes their feelings at their own pace, which is an important aspect of emotional communication. So, give them ample time to express themselves, allowing for pauses and moments of reflection. Remember, patience is key, rushing the conversation won’t help.
Avoid judgement
Withholding judgment in conversation is very important to create trust so that the other person can open up. So just put your own opinion aside and just hear them out. Make it easier for them to share their thoughts and feelings honestly without worrying about getting criticised or judged. Building trust is very important for real conversations. Let’s not rush to conclusions before giving them a chance to share their thoughts. Keep your mind neutral and open when you listen, because this helps you get where they are coming from. People are different, their situations are different and how they handle those situations is different. So ditch your judging mindset and choose empathy over judgment.
While effective communication strengthens bonds by fostering understanding, on the other side, the lack of communication can cause rifts in relationships, leading to distance between partners. Hence, regular and sincere conversations are essential for nurturing relationships.
"Listening is an art that requires attention over talent, spirit over ego and others over self" - Dean Jackson