Emotions are part of our life, part of us. Every hour of being alive is an emotional experience. While there is an excitement of meeting a friend after a long time, but if you find traffic on your way to meet them, then the same excitement converts into anger.
Such situations are like an everyday affair. Aren’t they? And each one of them brings a range of emotions. And how we handle these emotions is the key difference between reaction and response.
Do we react or respond to emotions?
Well, we do both. We react when we are controlled by our emotions. And we respond when we learn to manage them. Yes, it’s all about managing your emotions and not controlling them. Because emotions can not and should not be controlled. Emotions are triggered by what we experience. And hence, we can not choose which emotions we want to experience. They would come naturally with the stimuli they are triggered from. But, we can choose what to do with these emotions. And that’s where emotional intelligence comes in.
Reaction
Emotionally driven reactions, hardly involve any thinking. That’s why they are usually followed by guilt or regret. For example, yelling in anger or saying something in excitement which wasn’t appropriate and then repenting later because you didn’t mean to react that way. And perhaps the most unhelpful reactions are the ones caused by fear. And it is because of these reactions that we are not able to handle those situations. Because when emotions take over, they inhibit our ability to think and affect our behaviour.
Control
Emotions occur to us naturally. We cannot decide what to feel and when to feel. That is why while we think that we are controlling emotions, but what we are doing in actual is either ignoring them or suppressing them. Either of which is an unhealthy way of coping. Emotions are meant to be felt. There is no way we can prevent ourselves from feeling something. That’s why what needs to be controlled is our behaviour. Because feelings don’t cause harm, actions do.
Response
While reactions are impulsive, responses are thoughtful. There is a pause in response, there is patience and there is an acceptance. Acceptance. Which does not categorize any emotion as right or wrong, positive or negative. Because emotions are neutral, they are natural. So rather than working on emotions, we need to work on our emotional intelligence.
Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence is our ability to identify and describe our emotions, as well as the emotions of others. It’s our ability to manage emotions in difficulties, instead of being reactive under the influence of emotions. Emotional intelligence is being sensitive and empathetic towards others as well as yourself.
4 components of emotional intelligence
Perceiving emotions
Perceiving emotions means to be aware of one’s own emotions. Also, it’s the ability to decipher other’s emotions through verbal or nonverbal clues like body language, facial expression or tone of voice. Perceiving emotions is the base of emotional intelligence. It is a must to identify emotions first before you could develop skills to manage them.
Reasoning with emotions
The idea is to use emotions constructively to facilitate thinking. You need to ascertain what emotions are trying to tell you. Even emotions like anger or fear, which are generally regarded as negative, can be used constructively. Anger for example, can serve as a great source of motivation. Fear can warn you against a danger, so you can defend yourself. Emotions can prioritize thinking. When we focus on what’s prompting a particular emotion, we can shift our thinking in the right direction.
Understanding emotions
Emotions not necessarily be straight forward. They can be complex with multiple meanings. They can change over time and over different situations. One emotion can pave way to another. For example, feeling of guilt as a result of being angry or feeling ashamed out of fear. Happiness for that matter can take form of relief or pride. Thus, understanding emotions means to interpret them accurately and make senses out of them.
Managing emotions
Highest and the most crucial component of emotional intelligence is managing emotions. Even if you can perceive emotions accurately, use them to think constructively and understand their true meaning. All of this is not enough if you can not manage your emotions. And managing emotions means how you respond to them when emotions arise. Effective emotional management means a balanced approach towards emotions which is authentic and appropriate in any given situation. Which means you are truthful about what you feel and your behaviour is appropriate.
For example, it’s perfectly natural and acceptable to feel anger over a disagreement with a coworker. And effective emotional management in this situation is first to accept that you are annoyed. And secondly, to have a private conversation where you may agree to disagree. However, a reactive expression would be a public argument creating a scene in presence of other coworkers.
How to improve your emotional intelligence
Active listening
Active listening means listening with full attention where you are not distracted by any thing or thought. When you listen actively, you aren’t just hearing the words but also noticing non verbal cues as well. Active listening makes the other person feel heard and valued. And it’s a crucial part of emotional intelligence. When we listen actively, we are validating others feelings. It helps us understand their emotional experience. It cultivates empathy, a key aspect of emotional intelligence.
Empathy
Empathy is the ability to understand what others are feeling. Empathising with someone means to put yourself in their shoes. That’s how you can feel what they are feeling and can look at the situation from their perspective. This way you can develop an emotional understanding of a situation which builds emotional skills for a longer run. Thus, empathy and emotional intelligence go hand by hand.
Self-reflection
When you take a pause to look inside you understand your true emotions as well as emotional triggers. And when you watch yourself closely, you actually understand why you behaved in a certain way. Self-reflection helps you to understand impact of your emotions on your thoughts and behaviour. Henceforth, can also introspect the possible reasons behind that behaviour. This realisation in turn helps you to manage yourself better the next time.
Emotional regulation is a life skill which can’t be learned overnight. Like any other life skill, the key to manage emotions is patience and practice.
"Self control is not about controlling emotions, but controlling impulses."