"The first to apologise is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. And the first to forget is the happiest." - Unknown
“I am sorry”. We use this phrase so many times a day. Say, you accidentally bumped into a stranger; these three words would automatically pop out of your mouth. It’s like a reflexive action, which doesn’t require any thought. And that is why it’s easy to make an apology, but fairly difficult to give a genuine one.
A sincere apology is not followed by an excuse or explanation. It’s a true expression of the fact that you admit your wrongdoing and are determined towards making a change happen. But in actual many of us misuse an apology, we use it to avoid conflict, or to blame the other person or to minimise our part in a conflict.
Why is it so hard to apologise?
May of us might believe that it’s our ego that restrain us from apologising. That may not be the case always. Apology basically is an admission that you have hurt the other person which induce a feeling of shame and guilt. People choose to withhold apologies because they want to avoid all the negative emotions that elicit from the fact that they have done something wrong. Not only that, to them apology creates a feeling of inadequacy. Which means that rather than considering their mistakes; they start to feel that there is something wrong with them.
Additionally, many a times people are worried that the other person won’t accept their genuine apology. Which is another threat for their already low self-esteem. And for others, offering first apology means that they will have to take entire responsibility of the conflict themselves. Which will allow the other person to take no responsibility of their part. That’s why to protect themselves from shame, they engage in non-apology tactics. Which includes, excuses, defensiveness, or even blaming the other person.
It’s good to apologise for your mistakes
Apology is an expression of the heart rather than mind. It makes people comfortable with each other and conveys the value you give to a relationship. A genuine apology signifies that you acknowledge feelings of the other person. Not only that, the act of owning your mistakes makes you feel better too. It lifts the weight off your mind and bring you at peace. Accepting your wrongdoing (whether intentional or unintentional), is the first step towards changing an undesired behavior and becoming a better version of yourself.
Sorry – say it when you mean it
Apology is more than just accepting your fault. It’s an expression that you care about the other person and their feelings. Also, it’s a promise to make things right between you two. The most significant function of an apology is to mend trust. An apology for a repeated behaviour has no meaning. And while apologising it’s important to let the other person know that you truly understand how they feel. Don’t shield your apology with an excuse or a defensive statement. Apologise only when you genuinely mean it. It’s better to not say sorry rather than quoting an empty and a meaningless one.
Don’t need to apologise if
you can’t keep up the promise you made
As stated before, apologies reestablishes trust. And that is why an insincere apology is more damaging than no apology. Repeating the same behaviour after apologising for one, simply means that you refuse to change. And in that case your apology is meaningless. Apology is a chance to make amends. Hence, if you can’t keep up your promise, it’s better not to make one.
others are expecting something unreasonable
Not every conflict is your sole responsibility. You are accountable for your mistakes not theirs. You can surely empathise with others and express your understanding without saying sorry. Meeting an unreasonable expectation with an apology is not a good idea. So withhold your apology if you have nothing to do with the situation.
Be Mindful
Mindfulness is an act of being a non-judgemental, non-reactive and conscious observer. It’s a practice of being completely aware and attentive to the present. Mindfulness help us to have a clear awareness of the outcomes of our actions.
A mindful apology includes:
– intentions behind the apology. Why am I making this apology? When you know the exact reason for saying sorry, your apology won’t be just a automatic cliche. Because you understand the hurt you have caused to the other person.
– accepting responsibility. You acknowledge your part without any excuse or explanation. There is no condition attached to your apology. You accept your responsibility with complete honesty and sincerity.
– efforts toward change. Sincere apology is intended towards those who have been wronged. Mindfulness allows us to reappraise the whole experiences and consider the needs of others. This emotional sensitivity facilitates behaviour change.
Learn to forgive too
Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you have accepted the wrong behaviour. Rather, it means that you are willing to move on. We are often stuck in the past and lose track of the present moment. Our mind is so focused on what was said and done to us, that we forget that it doesn’t exist anymore. Mindfulness practice helps us to realise this simple fact that we often ignore. Forgiveness is an act of dismissing the past to focus on present. By accepting an apology, you are appreciating their willingness to make amends. You are expressing gratitude towards them because they care about you.
Apologies act as a healer. They rebuild trust. It’s an expression of care and concern. It’s okay to make mistakes, we all do. But it’s not okay to hurt someone whether intentionally or unintentionally. And if you do, please apologise.
"Laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what you can't change." - Unknown